Why do Cell phones have those retractable plastic antennas?

Why do Cell phones have those retractable plastic antennas? Seriously, do those actually do anything?

I have come to use my cell phone more and more, and my home phone less and less. And if there is one thing I have noticed above all else, it is that the antenna on my cell phone, for all practical purposes, does nothing.

I asked my cell phone company if the antenna actually does anything. They replied that, yes, it helps pick up the frequencies better and clearer. The conversation went something like this:

Me: I am calling to find out if my Antenna actually does anything on my cell phone.

Cell Carrier: Sure, of course it does.

Me: Really? Because, seriously, I have never noticed even a little bit of difference using it, extended or not.

Cell Carrier: Well, if you are getting weak reception, it will help.

Me: Yeah, I understand the theory. But I seriously don’t think it does anything.

Cell Carrier: Oh, no, sure it does.

Me: So the extra five inches actually does help? A cell phone works best for tall people?

Cell Carrier: Excuse me? I don’t understand what you mean?

Me: Well, if the antenna is out, it is only five inches long. If you are correct, then a man six-feet tall should have much better reception than a five-foot woman in the same location. Right?

Cell Carrier: Well, no, I don’t think it matters how short or tall someone is.

Me: So how then does an extra five-inch retractable plastic antenna help me get better reception?

Cell Carrier: I see. Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?

I think that the cell phone antenna is a comfort thing. It does not really do anything, but it does make you feel better to pull it out during bad reception instances. It makes you feel like you are doing something. It does not help in any way, but it is the precursor to the Cell Phone ballet, the unchoreographed dance all Cell Phone users do when reception is bad, or they cannot hear the person they are talking to well.

The Cell Phone Dance goes something like this: pull out plastic antenna. Ask ‘Can you hear me better now?’ Of course they cannot. The Cell Phone free hand then covers your other ear; you move to the right, ask again. You move to the left. You move forward, then back, then left to right. You may even employ the complicated, but seldom risked, waist bend combined with the front, back, left, and right movement.

In the end, the Cell Phone antenna has become the ballet shoe of the twenty-first century. You have to employ it before embarking on the Cell Phone dance, just as you would put on those little tight ballet shoes before taking the stage. On thing just goes with the other. The only difference is that a ballet slipper actually does something, while a Cell Phone antenna does not.