What’s wrong with Movie Theaters today.

Dear executives of movie theater corporations,

I don’t visit your establishments nearly as often as I used to. It would seem that a lot of people don’t go see a movie in an actual movie theater as often as they used to, judging by what I’m reading in the newspapers and on line. No doubt, you out there in movie theater management land are well aware of this. The reasons for this are somewhat varied. Most people mention two problems with going out to an actual movie theater to see a movie today: First is the cost of a ticket. Second, that most people feel that movies being made today just aren’t that good, and aren’t worth the trouble. Naturally, I know that you folks who manage theaters for a living cannot control what hollywood produces. Your business is providing us members of the movie going public with a place to see movies, not the business of making the movies. What I want to talk about today is what, specifically, is keeping me out of your theaters.

I can handle a bad movie. Bad movies are things that Americans just have to endure from time to time. (The Phantom Menace comes to mind.) Besides, it just wouldn’t be America without some good bad movies, such as summertime horror movies involving scantily clad females and ax-wielding nut jobs, or perhaps a group of college kids who decide to spend a night in a spooky old house or factory, that they’ve been told was the scene of some gruesome incident years before. (Staying there always turns out to be a very bad decision.) So, movie theater executives, here are the things that keep me from frequenting your establishments as much as I once did, in no particular order of ranking:

The way a lot of people behave in movie theaters today.

It’s suggested by a lot of people that civil decency and good manners are on a rapid decline in this country. A trip to a movie theater pretty much confirms this. When someone has paid a reasonable amount of money to sit in your theaters and enjoy a movie, there should not be a problem with people yakking it up on cell phones, or with each other. Movie theaters are not public playgrounds. Kids should not be running up and down the aisles, screaming to each other, nor should they be climbing over the rows of seats, or throwing things to each other. Yes, I have witnessed all of these things during the past few years. What are small children doing in a movie theater after 9 PM in the first place? And people, please,,,If you’re sick with a stomach virus, head cold, flu, or any other common, easily-spread illness, please stay home. I really don’t want whatever it is that you have. Go to a doctor, not a movie theater. There is no defense for any of this nonsense.

Movie theater lobbies have become video game arcades.

Ok, I admit it: I’m from another time. Movie theater lobbies used to be places where you met friends before or after the show, and talked about the movie, or just shot the breeze. The first video games (from Atari, mostly) appeared in theater lobbies in the mid 70’s. It was all downhill after that. Today, the lobby at the Framingham (MA) Cinema has more video games than the old Fun & Games arcade on Route 9. Not only are there dozens of games, but also batting cages, a game that involves shooting a rather odd-looking bazooka, and all sorts of things you ride on, stand on, or sit in. All of these things make lots of noise, have bright, colorful graphics, and induce headaches in any person over the age of thirty, who has the misfortune to be standing in line, within a proximity of twenty feet. All of these are designed to appeal to the minds of young males. (I have yet to see a young female playing any of these things. Definitely the more intelligent gender.) This would all be fine, if it were a video game arcade. It’s not, it’s a movie theater lobby! I know, I know: They make money for the movie theater chain, and for whatever company owns the machines. I’ve heard that already. Ergo, I know that these game arcades are one of the prime attractions for the desired demographic, i.e, young males with money to spend. It’s annoying as heck, and it is one of the things keeping away from your theaters. During night time hours, it gets worse, as the arcade fills up with older males, some looking as old as mid-20’s, all hammered up with testosterone, and ready to challenge anyone who might ask them to watch the language or keep the noise down. Some theaters go so far as to have police officers on detail in the lobbies on Friday and Saturday nights, just to keep the peace. See if you can spot the alpha male, there’s one in every group of teenaged males. Theater corporations: Lose the video games, all of them. Bring back those ominous-looking signs that read No Loitering, police take notice. (and what the heck ever happened to those anyway?) Make theater lobbies friendly places again. Do this, and I’ll see more movies in your theaters, guaranteed. If you need to jack the ticket price up to eleven, or even twelve bucks to cover the loss of revenue from those arcade games, I can live with it.

Over-the-top, out-of-control snack bars.

As I said, I’m from another time. I remember when a box of very good tasting popcorn was 25¢. That was the mainstay of the movie theater snack bar, along with soft drinks and candy. Today, movie theater snack bars are from another planet. Hot dogs, pizza, fried dough, styrofoam cups of foul-smelling chili, over-priced cups of coffee with little plastic domes on them, pricey bottles of designer water, and lord-knows-what else. All of this food may be had, for truly exorbitant prices. (and what, oh what, is that butter-flavored alien glop they put on the popcorn? Have biochemists from MIT or Cal Tech studied this stuff?) Sorry movie theater managers, but this movie goer has not purchased a single item from any of your snack bars for more than ten years. That’s my own company policy, and I’m sticking to it. Want me to buy something? How about a simple box of good tasting popcorn, and a small cup, say ten ounces, of Coca-Cola for a buck each? There is no reason I can think of, as to why a container of popcorn needs to be the size of a Rubbermaid industrial-grade trash barrel.

Good quality movie viewing experience.

First, the good news: Stadium seating works. It’s especially wonderful for leggy dudes like myself, who always had a problem squeezing ourselves between seating aisles in old theaters. This, plus the stadium style stacking of the seating rows is terrific. Someone with a huge, 70’s style afro could be seating directly in front of me in stadium seating, and I would not notice. The high backs of the seats is a major plus as well. Keep adding nice touches like this, and lose the boomy, distorting sound systems. Really, I don’t need to have my eardrums blasted out of my skull. Loud volume does not mean high quality sound. Or, are things this loud to drown out all those cell phone idiots? Lose the too-loud, distorting sound systems.
So you see, movie theater executives, it isn’t just the price of a ticket, or the explosion of home-theater equipment and the easy service offered by Netflix. You want me to go to your theaters? Make it worth my time and effort.

Bruce Black.