Vista is obviously the perfect Microsoft OS. This is mostly true because of what it cannot do. First of all, it is the most secure OS on the planet. But that fact alone might give you some grief. It all lies in how Microsoft secured their OS. How did they do it? It was simple. They just changed all the paradigms. Observe:
Take Games*, for instance. All your games will not work in Vista, including all the downloadable games from Microsoft’s own website. It stands to reason, really. People who play games at work are not productive, and you should not be wasting your time on dumb games, people.
Another new Vista feature is Drivers*. There are no drivers that work with Vista, except, of course, those two or three allowed by Microsoft. Printers and especially Scanners all have Digital Rights Management issues. So it is far better not to copy or scan anything, lest you inadvertently violate some copyright. Think about all the paper you will save.
The way Vista uses the Internet* is also a big feature now. You are not allowed access to the Internet at all, except to Microsoft’s own website. Just think how this will give you peace of mind, knowing you will never get a computer virus. or a trojan, or malware again, except from a trusted Microsoft source.
Finally, Voice* recognition is a real feature of the new Vista OS. Sure, it takes your statement ‘select all,’ and the software writes ‘so double the killer delete select all.’ If you carefully read the 1400 page manual, you will understand that you must speak in the Steve Ballmer voice, to be correctly understood. To do this, simply excitedly shout out loud your command or dictation in your best Kermit the Frog voice, very fast, and the computer will (more or less) do what you ask it to do.
*Void where prohibited. Not applicable in any of the fifty states of the United States of America, nor valid during Daylight Savings Time, or at any other time. We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating. Do not try any of this at home. We are what you would call ‘Experts.’ Your mileage may vary. And now for something completely different. You acknowledge and agree that Microsoft may automatically check the version of the product and/or its components that you are utilising and may provide upgrades or fixes to the product that will be automatically downloaded to your workstation computer. All your base are belong to us. Don’t buy Starbucks on Tuesdays. We are glad to say we’ve got the go-ahead to lend you the money you require, yes. We will, of course, need as security the deeds to your house, of your aunt’s house, of your second cousin’s house, of your wife’s parents’ house, and of your granny’s bungalow – and we will, in addition, need a controlling interest in your new company, uh, unrestricted access to your private bank account, the deposit into our vaults of your three children as hostages, and a full legal indemnity against any acts of embezzlement carried out by any members of our staff during the normal course of their duties. It is patently not true that buying Vista will make the better adjusted people in the room ignore you and wish they didn’t know you, and will disrespect you behind your back for the rest of the evening, or perhaps the rest of your life. I’ve seen Vista criticized as “ugly” precisely because it doesn’t have a trick-based view of the world. In many ways, it’s a dull language, borrowing solid old concepts from many other languages & styles: boring syntax, unsurprising semantics, few automatic coercions, etc etc. But that’s one of the things I like about it. ***
*** We apologise for the fault in the boilerplate. Those responsible have been sacked. Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretti nasti. We apologise again for the fault in the boilerplate. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked. The directors of the legal firm hired to continue the boilerplate after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked. The boilerplate has been completed in a entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute. “Its dead, Jim.”
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