With all the network tv shows that were introduced this last fall, very few seem to have made it. This is to say that most got cancelled, well before their original, thirteen week trial was over. Did anyone out there actually watch ‘Smith’, a crime series that starred the very talented Ray Liotta?No? I didn’t think so. I watched about thirty minutes of one episode, and I could not help but notice that Ray Liotta looked like a man who desperately wanted to call his agent. Can’t blame him, really. The show was a stink bomb. Ditto for Fox’s ‘Vanished’. This was a good idea, but done badly: A U.S. Senators gorgeous wife disappears, and the resulting investigation uncovers a world of hidden conspiracies, and ponders the question, ‘who’s really running things?’ Cool stuff, for us conspiracy buffs. Unfortunately, each episode seemed to consist of long periods of having the characters mumble about their personal problems, followed by scenes of some stuff getting blown up. Last time I checked, Vanished had been moved to the Friday night dead zone, (so-called, because the desired demographic is not home watching television. No, they’re out at the malls or else they’re all getting arrested at under-age keg parties.) its fate uncertain. Not good. Vanished did have the oh-so-lovely Rebecca Gayheart though. Legs that, in ancient times, caused empires to be overthrown. That alone was reason enough for any normal-feeling guy to tune it.
Some shows are being called ‘big hits’, but I only know a few people who actually watch them. ‘Jericho’, is such a show. It’s a good idea, and boasts some good acting and solid production values. But my criticism of the show is that it’s just too clean. If a small, mid-western town were left untouched but isolated after some kind of nuclear exchange, I don’t think the town’s residents would get along that well, with the elected mayor calling the shots, and being a ‘father figure’ to the people. There’s just too much Norman Rockwell stuff going on here. No, I think there would be total anarchy within three days, with people killing each other for a box of Wheaties or a can of Dinty Moore’s. Why do I think this? Mostly because this is the land where people get into violent exchanges over parking spaces at shopping malls, that’s why. This is the land where grown adults go ballistic and throw purple-faced tantrums because the over-worked fast food employee didn’t give them extra ketchup. This is the land where women with bizarre hairstyles and Lily Munster makeup jobs approach a cash register, store flier in hand, ready to violently berate the cash register clerk because the price tag on the large box of Pampers doesn’t match the advertised price in the flier. A town where people are nice to each other, and try to help each other out after a terrible, life-altering event happens? I think not.
It seems to me that some television programs seem to be designed to fail. They seem to be written badly, acted badly, and produced badly, on purpose. Now, given the amount of work that goes into making a television series pilot, you must wonder why anyone would do this. Well, I have no idea, but that’s the way it seems to me. So, here are some ideas of my own, for tv shows that I truly don’t believe would stand a chance. These are worse than bad. These are ‘Santa Claus Conquers the Martians’ bad. Ready?
Yuppie Valley. (Drama, ABC) Somewhere west of Boston, outside the hustle and bustle of the interstate 495 belt, is the newest gated community for the young and rich. Yuppie Valley is exclusive beyond belief. How exclusive? Let’s put it this way: you don’t go looking at a house in Yuppie Valley. No, the ‘executive board’ comes to you, when a house becomes available, and they feel that you’re ‘right’. Shelly Long and Scott Wolf star as Jane and Mike Cromwell, the latest newcomers to ‘The Valley’, (as the residents call it) after becoming multi-millionaires on severance packages, when their high-tech companies merged. Once they move in, they discover that things in the valley are frequently not what them seem. Extra-marital affairs and drug use are rampant, as is all sorts of illegal insider stock trading and corporate skullduggery. Series also stars Craig T. Nelson as the head of the secretive executive board, Robert Patrick as the head of Yuppie Valley security, and William Devane as the local Sheriff, who has been trying to get to the bottom of what goes on inside the walls for years. Special appearance by Lee Majors as the head groundskeeper, who may, or may not, know more than he lets on.
Extreme Makeover, Trailer Park Edition. (Reality, NBC) In this version of the popular home makeover show, the crew shows up at one of the largest trailer parks in New Hampshire. After seeing all the beer cans and liquor bottles strewn about the place, along with all the junk cars on blocks, trash, liquor bottles, discarded lottery tickets, and dirty kids in diapers, the extreme makeover crew just throw up their hands and leave.
Nancy Boy. (Teen Comedy-Drama, UPN) Is he, or isn’t he? that’s the nagging question on this new, innovative series. ‘Nancy Boy’ (part not cast yet) rides his bicycle to high school every day, while wearing his lycra outfit. After enduring all the usual threats, taunts and jeers, Nancy Boy shocks everyone one by making the varsity football team. Not only that, but he quickly gains a reputation as an aggressive player. Too bad the other members of the team don’t want to take a shower at the same time he does. As if things weren’t confusing enough, Nancy Boy then goes out for,,,, the math club? Can anyone figure out what is going on here? Series stars Melissa Bell as Nancy Boy’s sort-of girlfriend, (See if you can figure it out) Heather Locklear as his divorced mom, and John DeLancie as the head of the school math department. Watch for John Goodman in a recurring role as the football coach, and special guest star Michael Ironside as ‘The Custodian’.
Run For Your Money. (Game show, ABC) New game show, hosted by Leonard Nimoy. Contestants are given a chance to win a hundred thousand dollars in cash with all taxes paid, if they can run through obstacle courses we’ve set up for them. Sounds easy, but don’t be fooled. In the first heat, a forty two year old construction worker from Corpus Christi can only get his hundred grand if he can run across Boston’s Mystic River Bridge at midnight in January when it’s five degrees, with a 30 MPH wind. He must do this while wearing a Speedo, running shoes, and nothing else. Once he makes it to the Chelsea side, he has to dodge the junk cars and assorted weirdos, then find his stash of cash, which is inside one of three dumpsters, that are outside a Chinese restaurant, in poorly lit alley. One dumpster has the cash, and other two contain,,,,let’s keep that for a surprise, OK?
The Abandoned Mall. (Reality, CBS) Join our crew each week, as they explore a different abandoned shopping mall, in a different part of the country. Watch in anticipation, as they break through the wooden barricades, and head on in, flashlights in hand. What will they find, among the long boarded up Spencer gift shops, Waldenbooks, and Bath Boutiques? We don’t know either, but it probably won’t be anything good.
Mister Porn. (Situation comedy, Fox) Meet Mike Smith. He has just moved into one of the richest, most exclusive communities around. Big houses, lots of BMW’s and Hummers everywhere you look. Mike’s not very old either, mid-20’s tops. So, how did mike come into his money, in this community of bankers, plastic surgeons, and hi-tech executives? Why he’s a Porn Tycoon, that’s how. Yep, Mike has made millions selling hard pornography. And unlike others in the dirty business, Mike doesn’t keep it secret. In fact, he flaunts it to his oh-so-snooty neighbors, just to drive them nuts. Tune in as Mike (played by Jake Busey) hosts a huge party, to celebrate his new digs. The guest list is a regular Who’s Who in the American Porn business. Hilarity ensues as young porn stars show up, dressed as trashy as possible. Of course, they bring their boyfriends, some of whom are pretty darn old. Things get nutty as a starlet known only as ‘Busty Bambi’ goes to the wrong house, and Mrs. O’Malley, a very prudish middle aged woman, and about as hard-line christian as they come, (she once actually washed her daughter’s mouth out with soap, because she said ‘penis’ while reading out loud from a biology text book) answers the front door. Laughs galore.
Binary Man. ( Teen Drama, Fox) David was just your average high school geek, at home alone on Friday night, surfing the web. It was stormy and rainy, and the ceiling and windows in David’s bedroom leaked. Then, it happened! A lightening strike close by, a huge power surge, and David in the middle of recompiling his Linux kernel, (while his fingers are on the keyboard) all lead to his incredible transformation into Binary Man! Now, he looks like any other nerdy teenaged male, but under the human exterior is the power and speed of a big, multi-processor computer! He can interface with any other computer or network, simply by touching it. Quickly, Binary man realizes that his destiny is to go from place to place, stopping cyber crime whenever, and wherever it happens. Someone always needs Binary Man’s help. Starring James Lafferty (One Tree Hill) as David/Binary Man, and Hillary Duff, who can communicate with Binary Man by ‘texting’ him on her Treo cell phone. Forest Whitaker costars as the principal of David’s high school. Callista Flockhart co-stars as David/Binary Man’s mom.
American Gear Head. (Drama, CBS) Mike Gentilli is among the last of an American breed of man: He’s a true Gear Head! Mike (A return to network television by Richard Greico) works as a gas station mechanic by day, and by night, he indulges in the all-but-lost hobby of ‘Cruisin’. Mike drives strictly American cars, big, noisy gas hoggin’ muscle cars from the late 60’s and early 70’s. Watch the opener as Mike spends the night getting into various adventures, while giving local police the slip. He has to, as his ‘˜69 Plymouth Road Runner, (complete with a 426 Hemi, dual four-barrel carbs, a pavement-ripping set of 4:56 gears, and of course, Cherry Bomb mufflers) is not exactly street-legal. Guest stars Reba McEntire as Mike’s mom, and Danny Devito as the owner of the gas station where Mike works. Watch for Tim Allen, starring as a legendary retired street racer who keeps popping up to dole out fatherly advice to Mike.
American Vandals. (Reality, Fox) Meet Lewis, Justin, and Mike. (We won’t reveal their real names, for legal reasons) They’re tough guys who don’t take no guff from nobody, and you better believe it. They’re three guys who want the world how tough they are, so they prove it by committing acts of vandalism. Our camera crew rides along for the action, in the tradition of ‘Cops’. In the opener, our three tough guys ride around the dark streets of their home town, and begin the evening routine by throwing some beer bottles at some bicyclists from their car. ‘I hate those (bleep) guys!’ explains Justin. Onward to the cemetery, for some grave stone kicking, and graffiti painting. Yep, that really gets the juices going. Then, a slow cruise through a wealthy area, where Mike shows how it’s done, by using a paintball gun on the lawn decorations of some pricey houses. ‘Rich people suck!’ explains Mike. When asked why, he snarls ‘They just do!!’ at the camera. Finally, it’s time to take down someone’s christmas decorations. Yep, these guys are tough.
Note: for those who doubt that such things really happen, well, check it out.
So, how’d I do here? Pretty bad, aren’t they? Can you possibly think of anything worse? Oh yeah, most of the stuff that’s on TV right now.
Bruce B.
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