The importance of language and new words

I don’t know how many words there are in the English language, and I really don’t care. All I know is that I’m familiar with several of them, and I get along just fine without the ones I don’t know. As a matter of fact I have gotten through entire mornings with my wife by simply grunting and utilizing the letter “m”.

When the kids hit school age I spent a good deal of time imploring them to have a dictionary handy while reading a new book so they could look up “mystery” words. “A man who controls the language controls the world.” Boy, did I sound profound, or what? Profound or not, no matter what books they were reading, the dictionary was nowhere to be found. “Dad, what does bucolic mean?” “Look it up.” Silence. And then, like a good parent, I’d find the dictionary, usually buried under the dirty clothes on top of the night table, with the lamp leaning out of the middle of the pile, begging to be saved.

This scenario repeated itself throughout their school years until they finally left home for more school. By then, Elizabeth’s dictionary had been assigned the task of leveling the TV stand in her room. My son had a better use for his Webster. It was relegated to the closet to help make it even more jammed with stuff. I have to tell you, at this point, that Elizabeth graduated from college a few years ago, and Max is now a Junior at UC Berkeley. It is obvious to me now that my kids are so brilliant they did all this without looking up anything.

I never made it through college. In my sophomore year I became the drumming member of a R&R group, the hottest band in Cincinnati that never went anywhere. Our entire claim to fame, after four years of torturous touring, clubbing, and one nighters, was a song called “Cherry Pie”, which, in 1968, went to #1 on the charts. But we didn’t write it. Paul Leka, who wrote Green Tambourine recorded by the Lemonpipers, did. It was an area hit only, and the group folded quietly after we realized we weren’t going anywhere. We were too stoned to care. It all unravelled quickly and mercifully.

Maybe if I had studied harder and had a better command of the language we could have written songs just like the Beatles wrote, only sooner, and WE could have been on the Ed Sullivan Show. Damn, again.

But I digress.

I do remember using our small encyclopedia to look up some things, mostly anything having to do with sex. That old book did have a few pictures in it, but not any of “the good stuff.” One day I looked up “boobs.” You’d think they’d show you some big’uns, but no, it just said “Boob…a dunce or stupid person.” Mind you, that was in the 50’s and 60’s, a time when saying that word in school would draw a hush over the entire class, along with titters and guffaws.

That’s why we need some new words. To bring back some of that old naivete, or innocence, if you will. Let’s embarrass people again. Is it even possible? I don’t know, but I’d be willing to try. It’s going to be an uphill battle. The internet has spoiled us, maybe forever. There is just nothing that hasn’t been exposed and exploited. Entertainment magazines laying around doctors’ offices reveal all to your sniveling sniffling kids. TV has caught up and surpassed the “forbidden territory” department. There’s just nothing shocking anymore. Bummer.

So, to get us started let’s reach back into our grade school bag of chuckles with some words that should bring a few titters and guffaws from those who may or may not have any idea what they mean: Snarf. Snipe. Quiffer. Snert. Definitions TBA at a later date. Okay, that’s enough. Don’t want to overdo it. Now it’s your turn. And if you have to invent some words, go ahead. We need to prime the pump, so to speak. After all, this is our language, and if there are going to be words worthy of embarrassment, let’s do it right. Let’s get those titters (ha) and guffaws happening again, for old time’s sake.