The End of Shiavo

The Terri Shiavo story has been completely overplayed, and if you’re like me, you’re probably more than a little tired of it. The good news, if you can call it that, is that she died, and other than the autopsy and some post death politically jockeying the story has nearly run it’s course as well. But before the story dies completely, I want to discuss a few last things. No, not the politics, or the cliche overdone stuff, but the more personal side of the story, and some aspects that have all but been ignored.

Do you know why Terri went into a coma in the first place? It was because she had an eating disorder that dropped her potassium levels to dangerous levels, dangerous enough that her heart stopped, and that lack of blood to her brain killed major parts of it; like consciousness. The media had an excellent opportunity to discuss and educate the public on bulimia and anorexia; the root cause of this whole problem. But other than casual mention, they focused on the politics of the case, instead of what caused the whole case in the first place. Think about that. A major good that could have been done was to actually discuss how common eating disorders have become, and what their fight is really about. But instead they took the easy and sensational path, played politics and pitting those that wanted to keep Terri’s body alive against those that wanted to let her body go. They made the story about that contention, instead of what the case was really about; Terri, and her lost battle for herself.

Anorectics and Bulimics aren’t separate disorders; it is more a continuum; with many people starving themselves over issues about controlling their weight, and many others being willing to eat, but not keep the food down for fear of the calories. They are sort of food phobias. Remember, for most people a phobia is not a fear of the object of the phobia, it is often the secondary fear of the anxiety/panic attacks you get when you’re around that object. So agoraphobics aren’t afraid of heights or falling, they’re afraid of the real pain of an anxiety attack that they will have if they look down from a high place. Anorexics and bulimics are afraid of the anxiety that comes with either ingesting calories, or hanging on to them (not purging). They also get peace out of the behaviors; exercising, filling themselves with calorie-less foods (celery, diet soda, etc.), controlling their weight, or the pattern of bingeing and purging.

There are many things that contribute to these disorders. Some you expect; unhealthy obsession with food or body image. Often slightly overweight girls (or boys), are tired of being picked on or made fun of, and need to control their body to become something better than they think are; more attractive, more desired, or less different. Being told, “You’re fat”, or “You look good” only when they lose some weight, sticks in their mind; and their little voice breaks, or their little mental voice keeps replaying the same bad recording. Even when they’re underweight, they hear and see themselves as “too fat”, or believe they’ll look better if they just lose a little more weight. It makes no sense, and makes perfect sense; the 10,000 attacks they’ve heard their whole life, is now the weapon they use to bludgeon themselves with, and they don’t know how to stop.

The interesting thing is that there are many contributing factors that you might not expect. Most Anorexics and Bulimics had a controlling parent or two, and were people pleasers that don’t do well with conflict. They are so busy trying to make other people happy, that they lose themselves. The one thing left in their life that they have complete control of, is their food intake and/or output. They fixate on that, usually in negative ways. But their behaviors are peaceful to them; they’re control in an world that lacks control. They need that outlet or control so much, that they will often kill themselves, or put themselves in comas, or take other risks, all seeking peace in negative ways. Not much different than other compulsions like drinking, drugs, gambling, sex, exercise, computer games or anything that can make us focus on one thing deep enough that we forget about everything else, including the cold realities of life.

Now look at the case as Terri would. Can you see the bitter irony of it all?

Imagine you are Terri and you’ve had a battle with your weight and an eating disorder your entire life; trying to control the maelstrom that is life. The one thing in life that truly gave you peace from others trying to control you, was your pattern of purging (or not eating). Your worst fear was not being able to make others happy all the time, or disappointing them, or not living up to their expectations, or having to deal with their conflict. Your biggest torture would be others forcing you to eat. And in the end, she had to sit through a battle where her controlling Husband and controlling(?) Mother/Father went to war over force-feeding her to keep her alive. Ripping the control over her food and very life away from her, and sustaining her against her will. Putting her in the center of constant conflict, which she never had the tools to cope with in the first place. In all honesty, death was probably a peace she would have welcomed, if the real Terri was still alive enough to remember who and what she was.

Some people think Michael Shiavo had her killed because he’d moved on with his life. He had a malpractice reward that he could keep the remainder of, if Terri just died. Michael was living with someone else, had kids by her, and a new family, and so he was taking the easy path of starving Terri for convenience and greed. He could have let the family keep her going, but he didn’t because of the inconvenience of knowing that she was still alive, or the threat against the monetary reward he had. If that is true, then he was definitely a self-centered control-freak, and an asshole.

But what if he wasn’t? What if the reason he wouldn’t let the family keep his wife alive against her wished was because he truly understood her? What if he realized that she didn’t want to be kept alive as a vegetable. That to a person who has tried their whole life to be a people pleaser, one of the worst things you could do is make them a burden and source of conflict to everyone else. People with eating disorders live parts of their lives in secret behaviors, and dragging that into the light, and forcing them into facing their own shame; and being publicly known that they put themselves into a vegetative state because they didn’t think they could measure up to others, would be a horrible cross to bear. Compound that with their worst nightmare of force feeding them, and making them gain weight. Maybe Michael really knew Terri’s heart, and really did fight for her, because she would not want to live like that.

I don’t know which Michael was the real Michael. He could be the asshole or the saint — probably somewhere in between. But I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt. I only know what I would do; that if my wife told me that she would not want to live like that, then I would have a cause much bigger than my own desires or needs. I wouldn’t let her family bully me into keep her alive against her wishes; I would have to do everything in my power to make sure her wishes were met. Not because I’d want to lose my wife, or the convenience of closure (though there would be a peace in that). But I would fight because that’s the last homage I could do for her; trying to advocate for her what she would advocate for herself.

But the media didn’t go into any of that. It is easier to make Michael the villain. To pit one segment of society against the other, and play politics; without educating either. To avoid the complexities that are this case, and simplify it into polar extremes — instead of the grays and conflicts that led to this case in the first place. Terri was taken off the feeding tube on my Wife’s birthday (March 18th), and she died on my birthday (March 31st). Maybe that’s what made this case personal to me. Or maybe it just the empathy I have for Terri’s plight, or what I imagine Michael’s is; rather than the politics. Maybe it is the fear of this happening to me, or my wife. But either way, I feel like a huge opportunity for people to grow, discuss, think and learn, has been lost. People saw the superficial, and missed the important depths. I only hope that this one little article can spark something deeper than what the media has subjected us to these last few week. That we can think about the people involved as individuals, and not as political positions. That we can remember what they were going through and what their wishes were, instead of our own desires to cram our views and politics down other people’s throats, in a desperate attempt to gain control of something we can never have true control of; other people, life, and death.