The Axis Pandemic

This is an old article (you would know
since Jean Chretien is still Prime Minister of Canada in the article
*yikes*) that made rounds shortly after George Bush’s State of the Union
address.

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil,” Libya,
China and Syria today announced they had formed the Axis of Just as Evil,
which they said would be “way eviler” than the Iran-Iraq-North Korea
axis President Bush warned of inhis State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters,
a really dumb name.

“Right. They are Just as Evil . . . in their dreams!” declared North
Korean President Kim Jong Il. “Everybody knows we’re the best evils .
. . I mean the best at being evil . . . . We’re the best.”

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although
they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. “They
told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar Assad.

“An Axis can’t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi President
Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II
you had Germany, Italy and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have
three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool.”

International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift,
as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status
in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia
said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join
with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria,
Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil, Really,
As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable
clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador and Rwanda applied to be
called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t Necessarily the Worst But Won’t
Be Asked to Host the Olympics Anytime Soon; Suriname, Guyana and French
Guiana formed the Axis of Countries That Hate That People Always Assume
They’re in Africa Because They’re Not; while Canada, Mexico and Australia
established the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly
Have Nasty Thoughts About America.

“We have a waiting list as long as my arm,” said Canadian Prime Minister
Jean Chretien.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making
fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although
he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End
in “Guay,” accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israeli officials, meanwhile, insisted they didn’t want to join any
axis, but privately, some world leaders said that’s only because no one
asked them.