Survival of the Fittest

Many states have enacted a law that I put under the heading “for your own good.” These laws are enacted by our governing bodies since everyday people are too dumb to protect themselves unless Big Brother makes them do it.

That law is the infamous motorcycle “Helmet Law” which states, if you ride a motorcycle without a helmet, you’ll get a ticket and be branded a scofflaw. I can picture a swarthy Hell’s Angel shaking his head sadly as he plunks down a couple hundred for a pretty pink pate protector with pansies painted on it.

The death toll in motorcycle accidents has “dramatically decreased” in the time since the law went into effect. This means that all those half witted, death defying, Harley and Honda riders who used to wear only the hair on their heads as they weaved between lanes at 70 mph, now survive to go home and make babies with a woman who is so stupid, she can attract only a half witted, death defying, etc., etc. I’d say this law is ill advised. Those are just the people we don’t want making babies!

Another such group are the drug users. Cocaine should immediately be made legal and dispensed at two dollars for a nice big rock at government-run crack houses — and consumed on the premises. These establishments could be situated close to funeral homes to cut down travel time, since these users are obviously in a hurry to sample the delights of the next world.

All these restrictive laws should be repealed.

Let’s pass, instead, a law that says insurance companies do not have to pay hospitalization, car repair, or death benefits in cases where the injured party was driving under the influence, operating an automobile without a seat belt, or riding a two-wheeled vehicle with no helmet. Another law might stipulate that the same insurance companies had to list the amounts NOT paid, and that amount rebated directly to policyholders who have had no accidents in the last five years.

There are many silly laws we could pass. It’d like to see a law that says it’s illegal to sue somebody unless you prove in advance, to an impartial judge, that you have indeed been done unto. This, of course, without an attorney or great expense. While we’re on the subject of attorneys, let’s make ’em all judges. You could hire one; the opposition could hire one, and they could pick a third . . . and the three would sit down and decide the case between them, freeing the real judges and juries to hear important stuff like murder, rape, and betrayal of the public trust.

Betrayal of the public trust. Now there’s a great catch-all. Those prosecuted might be the contractor who shorted on the materials on a freeway bridge. Or the insurance company who declines coverage on a prejudicial basis. Or a politician convicted of taking (or offering) a bribe. Even a schoolteacher, after being convicted of statutory rape of a student, could be also convicted of the larger crime of Betrayal of the Public Trust. Which could carry some horrible penalty like being made to serve a ten-year sentence wearing truly hideous day-glow clothes, while scrubbing graffiti, fixing up low-income housing, or teaching English to people who came here to actually get a job and raise a family.

Don’t stop me . . . I’m on a roll!

We could pass a law that says that all taxes, lumped together, can only take a certain percentage of our income. And get rid of the Income Tax!!!!! Yeah! If income tax is actually an average of, say, 15% of everyone’s income, let’s levy a 15% sales tax and make everyone in the IRS get a real job. Merchants collect sales tax anyhow, so it would be no extra work to collect the national sales tax, and the states could write Uncle Sam a check at the end of the month.

Now if you really want the rich to pay more, you just make it a graduated sales tax. Items that cost more than $100, get 20%. More than a thousand, 25%; and so on. Private planes, yachts and mansions could bring in a bundle. That would give those $99.95 price tags a logical reason for existence.

Instead of welfare for single mothers (Oops, sorry. Make that single parent-type persons), they bring their kiddies with ’em to mandatory school. What’s being taught? All kinds of marketable skills like typing, reading, spelling, running a machine, and last but not least, How to start, open, and run a day care center. In these classes the kids teach their own parents how to take care of children for a living.

Nah, that’s all way too silly. It’ll never, never happen. (Sigh!)