SUN, SHINE & PICKLE

ONCE UPON A TIME there were The Three Stupids* (*Shhh! We can’t use their real titles because they are certainly, most likely, and very probably Copyrighted, Trademarked, or Worse. We’d be in a Stew, if we did. “‘Ged’ you get it?”)

(Ahem)

Once upon a time there were these Three Stupids, who, by alone by themselves were a bit deficient in the Department of their Mentalities, but when they interact together, could just about accomplish Anything, in a very surprising way (even to making us Laugh). ‘Sun’ is the brightest of these Dim Bulbs, and always threatening the other two. ‘Shine’ is the middle one, not given the Best Lines, but always managing to help Screw Things Up. ‘Pickle’ is our Favorite, who, with grunts and verbal sound effects, employs deft Physical Humor, and is the Most-Imitated-Of-Them-All, (Soit-anly).

Our story involves three sets of Characters.

The First Set are three ‘Gentlemen’ who are put in charge of Something Quite Miraculous. Who put these Guys in charge of Something So Valuable? Who knows? It’s always a mystery. (Idiots!) Anyway, these Fellows are not capable of doing anything trustworthy. If there is a way to screw it up, these Three will immediately zero in on it and do exactly that, (but of course in a very stupid and funny way). Their costumes can vary, from white-and-black checkered shirts, with apron overalls, and straw hats, to prim-buttoned-up-uniforms, three sizes too small or too big.

The Second Set are three Bad Guys, bent on stealing and/or completely wasting/losing whatever Something Miraculous they happen to be after. If there is a way to squander Something, this Trio will get right to it, oblivious to the Real Value of whatever they are after, (again, in a very stupid and funny way). Their costumes are always rather seedy Black suits, with oversized or undersized Black Hats, (with-or-without mustaches).

The Third Set is the Something Precious. (When not played by a Hauser), it consists of three Random Elements, quite useless by themselves, but when combined together, prove to be Quite Amazing. There is almost an Angelic Aire about these Elements when they come together, that completely transcends Humor and Slapstick, Entertainment and Comedy (of which this story is supposed to be about). Their costumes are oversized angel robes, obviously in white, (with-or-without Halos and/or Wings).

The Setting of our story could be a Vault, a Hideaway, a Train, a Bus, or a Transport, (Setting doesn’t matter to the Story, since it is just the varying and interchangeable Venue for the Comedy, but its variation allows us opportunity to sell the Public a long Series of same-plot-different-prop Stories, Movies, Videos).

Of course, our venerable Readers are all quite Intelligent, so even though you might have a desire to take notes, resist the idea, because this is all far simpler than it appears, and there is less here that meets the eye, (and The Three Stupids play all three Sets of characters, but of course you knew that, right?)

(Aw, Shucks!)

Anyway, in our Story, the ‘Gentlemen’ are placed in charge of precisely One Mile of Something Valuable. They are to guard it with their very lives. It is in the form of a Rope that can Save-the-World, Win-the-War, and/or Carry-us-all-into-the-Future, (and the Setting this time happens to be a Train, BTW). So they string the Rope out through the cars of their conveyance, thinking that nobody could take all of it, if there did happen to be any Thieves about.

Of course they forgot that they were told that In No-Uncertain-Terms that the Rope May-Not-Be-Cut. Otherwise, it will immediately fall into its three Elements and be Lost Forever.

And, for the benefit of our Audience, (and to fill time), in the process of laying out the Rope, they employ Slapstick, hilariously bumping heads, poking eyes, juddering their behinds on the rushing track below, falling between the cars, and generally getting mashed, mangled, and even worse; getting yelled at by their self-appointed Boss, (the Bright One), who never really employs any real swear words, (for some odd reason). There may-or-may-not-be hapless By-Standers, who also manage to get mashed/tangled/mangled with-or-by our Trio.

Having accomplished their objective, our erstwhile Heroes then immediately and conveniently fall asleep in a heap, in the lead car of the Train, right by a large, handy baggage door.

Little do they know that there are Bad Guys lurking around in the engine or forward baggage car of the on-rushing Train.

The Bad Guys go right to work, throwing the still sleeping Trio off the Train, and they quickly begin to roll up the Rope to the back of the Train, (and in the process go through a variation of Slapstick, with a repeat of the BH, PE, JB, FB, and GYA, with-or-without the hapless Stand-Ins).

But, their Plan to throw the Something Valuable off the Train, in order to go back and pick it up later, is foiled, because one of them (who cares which one), snags the end of the Rope at the end of the last car, and the Something Valuable falls into its various Elements and is Lost Forever. They are so distraught that they do not notice the Bridge Is Out, (which-they-disabled, and forgot-that-they-did-so), and they and the Train go off the End into the Chasm (with-or-without an explosion and sound-effects). Note: Not before all the Extras jump off the Train. . . . Next Note: No, the Bad Guys did not die. (No one dies in these things.) And are seen sitting on top of the Train Wreckage, moaning over their minor hurts. We need them for the next Story, after all.

So, the Something Valuable is completely Lost, and Forever? (Insert Chin Whimpers Here.)

Certainly not! (What Kind of Story do you think this is?)

The Rope is revealed to be countless numbers of three Elements, who find themselves scattered across the countryside. So what do they do? Why, they each begin to find the other, three at a time, (cute little Angelic guys that they are). Linking arms and smiling, they are determined to save each other, and in the process their desire to Bond quickly becomes an overwhelming one of Friendship, Commonality and Destiny, as they morph back into the Rope, (Cue the Sun! – always wanted to say that).

Meanwhile, the ‘Gentlemen,’ who were thrown from the Train, wander back along the Rail, despondent. But soon they are very Happy, discovering the Rope has reassembled itself, and All Is Well, as they carry the Rope together Into The Sunset, to a Happy Tune, (played on a Kazoo).

Fade to Black.

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(Why was it again, that we LOVE to watch these guys?)

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(You know, we could easily Ramp All This Up, with wading through rivers of alligators, hanging by fingertips from cliffs, and running through fire, hail storms, and/or fields of lava, but then they would have to call it ‘Ohio Jim’ and his Two-Hangers-On, or some such Thing, right?)

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(Of course, I’d prefer if they would add a feminine Character, with lots of screen time, such as Heddy Lamar, Rita Hayworth, or Marilyn Monroe, but then (you’d Hope) they’d have to make it a series of Road Shows. Say It Ain’t So.) Note: No, there seems to be no modern ‘actresses’ who are as glamorous as these mentioned, (or who can even act, not that That is ever a Requirement).

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(What? There was never any “Angelic Characters, or Redeeming Theme” in any of The Stupids movies? That’s not my fault. True Humor should have some of that. See L & H’s movies, to see what I mean. Or B.K., or some of C.C.s later works – not the M.B.s)

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Oh well, this is your Storyteller, wishing you happy dreams and pleasant days, until Next Time, (Couldn’t they at least trashed some of the props, or the whole set, or something?).

Regards,
Roger, the Born
“Learn to play the Kazoo”
Sorry. No Refunds.
“Blame it all on the Meds”
Void Where Prohibited.
Your Mileage May Vary.
(War’s “Cisco Kid” plays)

Film at 11.

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