Oh, Those get-rich-quick Schemes!

I used to work second shift, back in those thrilling days of yesteryear known as the 1980’s. My shift went from 3:30 PM until midnight. Most nights, I made it home in time to watch David Letterman, back when he was in his glory days on NBC. (Thanks Dave, for all those great, magnificent slams against GE. You were right on all counts)

After Dave signed off, I stayed up to watch a little more TV, being the good American that I am. I discovered something of dubious entertainment value that aired in the wee hours of the morning, usually on UHF stations, in the days when most UHF stations were still independently owned and managed. And what was this? Infomercials, featuring a seemingly endless parade of sleazy guys with microphones, telling me how I could get rich quick. There was Dave DelDotto, better known as “The Credit Card Millionaire. His advice was to get as many credit cards as you could, take out the maximum cash advance on each one, and invest that cash, using the instructions you would receive from his books and tapes, that he would gladly sell to you. No mention at all of the high interest and fees that go along with those cash advances. Dave DelDotto sort of looked like he had just time-warped in from the 1970’s, with his gold chains, and bad suits. Er, that was when he was not situated in a hot tub, surrounded by bikini-clad babes. An even funnier infomercial featured a pudgy asian fellow named Jonathan Wu. (spelling uncertain) Mr. Wu came running onto the set amid wild cheers from the audience, and in a very excited asian accent, explained how he had arrived from Korea with no money or education, but had found a way to make millions. They cut to a filmed portion, where the camera panned back, revealing Mr. Wu to be standing amidst a fleet of Rolls Royce automobiles, and surrounded by bikini-clad babes. (Where, oh where, do they get these??) He then explained that he owned all those cars, and he was just dying to tell you how he did it. Then the camera cut to pictures of Jonathan Wu’s various books and tapes, and a schedule of where he would be giving seminars, where you, (yes, YOU!) could learn his secrets to making big money in something called “distressed real estate.

As I like to say, time always wins. I have read that Dave DelDotto filed for bankruptcy, around ‘95 or ’96, and has seemingly disappeared. Jonathan Wu would seem to have vanished from this earth as well, never to be seen again. (An acquaintance told me she spotted some of his tapes one time though, in a bargain bin at a flea market. )

What is it with these get-rich-quick schemes? I know, I know, people need to be able to dream. Many Americans are disillusioned, always struggling against a system that they feel is stacked against them. (Ergo, the proliferation of state lotteries.) Lord knows, I have grown frustrated with the work-a-day world myself, but I bite the bullet and hope that the next day will be better. But these get-rich-quick schemes? Surely people can see through these things. Or can they?

There are scores of other kinds of schemes, and they show no signs of going away: The grocery store papers are always running ads that have some guy talk about how down-and-out he was, that the banks were foreclosing on his house, his daughter had crooked teeth, his wife needed surgery, etc. BUT THEN,,, He discovered a little known technique to making lots of money, fast. He’ll share that secret with you (yes, YOU!) in exchange for some of your cash, typically $19.95. Uh huh. One of these that used to run had a bad picture of a really goofy looking character, with the bold headline reading “they all Laughed when I said I was going to start my own business! At least that one did say that you would have to “work hard. But aside from that, all you had to do was fork over $19.95 to this guy, for his booklet (a “booklet? for $19.95?) explaining how to get rich in a year on mail order. Hoo boy.

There have been pyramid schemes galore over the years. You all know how this works: You are approached by someone you know in passing, perhaps someone you know on the job. That person has something you might like, such as vitamin pills, dietary supplements, household cleaning products, or perhaps Jewelry and/or makeup. You buy some, and a short time later, that person asks if you like it, and would you be interested in selling it yourself. And away we go. Next thing you know, you’re going to meetings, where others come up on a stage and talk about how they hated their day jobs, how down and out they were, and how this stuff they sell saved them and made them rich. And on it goes. You move up one level, when you recruit a few people to sell the stuff. When they recruit people to sell the stuff, you move up another level, and so on. Soon (“Very Soon!) you’ll be at the top. At least, that’s what they tell you. One of the more unusual pyramid schemes was “A.L. Williams. This was a pyramid scheme with an unusual gimmick: term life insurance. I know more than a little about this one, because I was approached in the late 80’s by someone selling it, and he simply would not take my repeated “no! for an answer. Not only that, but the more I said that it sounded like a pyramid scheme, the more he adamantly insisted that it was not. “It’s a great opportunity for a guy like yourself I was told, ad-nauseam. I was told that all I had to do was come to their meetings, where I would have an opportunity to “meet the regional Vice President! (this, in an excited voice) I was then told about how a mere five years before, the guy who was now the regional VP was a college drop out, making a lowly living as a seasonal life guard at Old Orchard Beach. “In five years, you could do even better! I was told. I was further told how big the company was getting, and how big they were going to become. Uh Huh. This was just plain crazy.

I did a google search on A.L. Williams. Not too much comes up. Oh sure, some unrelated people bear that name and whatnot, but no official company website that I can locate, not much of anything. I’d say time has won again, although I would guess that a handful people, the ones at the top of the pyramid, got rich off this one. That’s just the way these things work.

So, where am I going with this, and why bring it up now? Well, I’m a little surprised at something. No doubt, most of you have heard that someone in California has filed a lawsuit in federal court, charging that Apple does not do enough to warn people about the dangers of hearing loss, inflicted by the iPod. When this story broke last week, I was not surprised at all. The iPod is everywhere, it’s an entire culture unto itself. Oh yes, it’s making a hefty profit for Apple, which is great. The part of this news item I find interesting, is the part about this guy and his lawyers wanting to turn it into a class action. No doubt, there will be ads in California newspapers, saying that “If you feel that your hearing has been damaged in any way by an iPod, call these law offices toll free. So, is this the “get-rich-quick scheme for the new century? Should we expect to see lawyers on late-night television, telling people (in an excited voice) that “Right now, there are thousands of class-action product liability lawsuits going on! You may be entitled to money! Call us right now, and we’ll tell you how you (yes, YOU!) can get in on the action! Or maybe it’ll be something like this: “Let me tell you how to become rich by filing lawsuits against big companies! Send for my books and tapes, and come to my seminars now!! The thing that surprises me, is that this has not happened yet. Or maybe it has, and I just haven’t seen it.

I know, I know: People are entitled to their dreams. But this is not dreaming. Dreaming is finding yourself on a tropical island, where it’s always twilight, the temperature is always in the low 80’s, and you’re constantly surrounded by women who look like Sarah Brightman and Tyra Banks. (Or, if you’re female, gorgeous soap opera studs, with the approximate I.Q’s of a turnip)

No, this is not dreaming. This is something else.

Hopefully, Apple will beat this one, and people will learn to use that arcane feature called the volume control.