It would certainly seem that commercial television producers just cannot give us enough of the so-called ‘Reality Shows’. and half-hour sitcoms. Almost everything on network television today is reality-based, or features the joke-every-30-seconds format of the 1/2 hour sitcom. There are a few well-done dramas, such as ‘Lost’, ’24’, and a truly great show, ‘Prison Break’. There are very few besides those three to recommend. Some of these shows score very highly with the viewing public, and some do not. I Must refrain from making any kind of comment on the average intelligence of the viewing public, but one must remember that this is the nation where people have long office discussions about what’s happening on ‘American Idol’, and where, according to urban myth, people called the Coast Guard to ask why they didn’t go and rescue those poor stranded people on ‘Gilligans Island’. (I do love that tale. Anyone out there in internet land know if it’s true?) Of course, there’s always the question of how much of the material presented on the reality shows is ‘real’, and how much is staged or scripted, but I won’t address that here.
I enjoy ‘Commander-in-Chief’. The show is well-acted and quite engaging. (Ok, you caught me. Geena Davis is cute as anything, and I’ve always had a weakness for tall, attractive women) Alas, I don’t expect the show to last beyond this season. The ratings have gone way down since the show began and there are a lot of reports of trouble behind the scenes. Some are suggesting that this is all due to a poor choice for a time slot, and high turnover in writers and producers, but I suspect that the on-screen depiction of back-stabbing politics and relentless, penny ante power plays and back room deals just hits too close to the truth for most Americans, who still want to believe the Walt Disney version of civics and American history we were all taught in junior high school. It will be too bad if ‘Commander’ goes dark after only one season.
I must admit, I love a good episode of ‘Cops’, one of the very first reality-based shows. Truly a small look into what someone, Hunter S. Thompson perhaps, called ‘the savage heart of America’. I’m always left to ponder just where the men and women who work in law enforcement get the patience to deal with some of the morons they encounter during their shifts. So, I must plead a heartfelt ‘Guilty!’ when it comes to watching cops.
Still, I feel as though I could write reality shows or 1/2 hour sitcoms as well as anyone doing it now, but I’d like to focus on what I think people really, truly want to see. Thus, I give you my latest list of Reality shows and 1/2 hour sitcoms of the future! Coming soon, check you local listings.
Dethroned. (Reality)
It has been suggested that the worst thing in the world for the rich and powerful is for them to suddenly lose their wealth and power, kind of like the fictional Duke brothers in ‘Trading Places’. That’s just what we do on Dethroned. Each week, we’ll go into the office of a rich, powerful executive of one of America’s top corporations, and watch his reaction as he is quickly stripped of everything. The big salaries, stock holdings, company credit cards, reserved parking space, company floozies, and all the rest of it, all gone. Hilarity will ensue as these former big shots are escorted out of the buildings by guards, and sternly told to leave the premises, without any kind of explanation. But the fun won’t stop there! Their credit cards are all cancelled, their bank accounts are frozen, and their trophy wives, (all in on the gag, as are the directors of the companies) tell them to take a hike! The joke continues for a few days, until they’ve had enough, and everybody gets a good laugh. We’ve gone to all this trouble to entertain you, the American public. Hosted by Tom Bergeron, on Fox.
The Fake ID Crowd. (Reality)
If you’ve ever wondered whether those clean-cut, all-American, white teens in the suburbs lead secret lives, totally hidden from their parents, then you’ll love this show. Using the latest, most state-of-the-art surveillance technology, we keep groups of teens on camera, without their ever knowing it. Watch as they visit the local Fake ID supplier, who can make driver’s licenses that fool liquor store managers, bouncers, and even veteran cops. Watch as they visit local drinking places, where the prettiest girls never, ever get ‘carded’. Be amazed as ‘Jennifer’, the popular, seventeen year old alpha female of her peer group, keeps her relationship with her twenty-five year old boyfriend a secret from her parents. Be even more amazed as ‘Brian’ the alpha male of his group, runs a pay-for-protection racket in his high school, right under the noses of clueless school authorities. Be really, really shocked at the antics of ‘Scooter’, a drop-out whose parents don’t even know he’s a drop-out. He just pretends to head off to school in the morning, then spends his days hanging out in the school yard, local video game arcade, or pool hall. Sit back and have a really good laugh, when the parents of these little darlings, and school authorities, are confronted with the surveillance video tapes. You’ll be at a loss for words when you realize that this group represents the future of America. Laughs guaranteed.
The Road to Divorce. (situation comedy)
Meet Jack (played by Ted Danson) and Karen. (played by Ellen DeGeneres). They’re a typical, all-American couple, about to do what typical all-American couples do: They’re getting divorced. But, in a last-ditch attempt to work things out, they take the advice of their marriage counselor, (Betty White, in a recurring role.) and take a long road trip together. They pile into Jack’s Mercedes sport coupe, and head down the old U.S. highway system, to try to patch things up. On the first episode, Jack pulls into a gas station on old route 66, in a forgotten town somewhere in Oklahoma. Jack and Karen have been arguing all morning, and it seemed like a good time to take a break. The grizzled old gas station guy, (Lee Majors) senses trouble, and proceeds to dole out cryptic fatherly advice to Jack, while Karen seeks some girl talk with the owner (Roseanne Barr) of the coffee shop next to the gas station. Hilarity ensues when severe thunderstorms break out, and our couple is forced to stay the night in this town. Only trouble is, there’s only one room and one bed available at the local motel. By the end of the half-hour, they’ve patched things up again, at least for this week. Watch for Tim Allen in a recurring role as ‘The Truck Driver’, who our divorcing couple keep running into every here and there.
The Dark. (Adult Drama)
What do a 70’s radical (Clarence Williams III), a gun-toting ex-marine (Michael Ironside), a millionaire dot-com geek (Nick Stahl), a former Playboy centerfold model (Shannon Doherty), and a hardware salesman (Clancy Brown) have in common? They’re all trapped by ‘The Dark’, a mysterious darkness that encircles the deserted pacific northwestern town, where there seems to be no way out. They all have vague memories of how they got there, but the details are blocked somehow. When they try to leave, the darkness just becomes so thick that they can’t even keep walking. Scenes alternate between color and shadowy black and white, and each week, different characters are encountered. Houses and buildings are abandoned in this town. Sometimes, the bell goes off at the train crossing, but no train ever appears. And what is that mysterious light that is sometimes spotted in the woods? Every car seems permanently broken down. The only constant is the always open diner, and its one employee, (Malcolm McDowell) who seems to know something. Where is this place? What is it? Why are they here? Tune in and see.
You Bet Your Ass! (Game Show)
Big Money, big prizes. That is what we’re all about on this new game show, where contestants literally bet their asses as to how well they’ll complete unique challenges we’ve set up for them. The challenges start out simply enough, but get progressively more,,, ‘challenging’. When they win a challenge, they get a thousand bucks, and they get a chance to quit right there, keep the money they’ve won up to that point, and,,,,keep their asses. Simple enough? Not so fast. In the first challenge, we ask a gorgeous blonde to drive into the heart of Gary, Indiana in a new Mercedes convertible (top down, of course). She also has to do this while wearing a bikini, a diamond Rolex watch, and while flying a one hundred dollar bill from the antenna. She must drive around for one hour, and if she makes it, she keeps her ass, ten thousand dollars, and the car. But if she gets spotted by ‘local youths’, well, there goes her ass. The second challenge involves a fellow named Justin, who’s a doctoral student in social theory at Brandies University. He has to cut into the line at Dunkin Donuts at 7:30 in the morning, and demand a croissant and Latté. If he succeeds at this, he must cut the line again, to complain that his Latté doesn’t have enough foam! If he passes this time, he must cut the line a third time, to whine that he wanted a cheese croissant! Think he’ll walk out of Dunkin Donuts with his ass, or will he have is ass handed to him by Blackie, the burly construction worker he’s been cutting in front of? In the final challenge of the first episode, Louie, a handy man from Iowa, bets his ass that he can go into a tough biker bar in Texas, order a Manhattan, then sit there and drink it. But, he must do this while wearing a hot pink lycra running suit, and yellow sequined jacket with a ‘Kawasaki’ logo across the back. Will Louie get to keep his ass? Tune in. Hosted by Joe Rogan.
My Drinkin’ Buddies. (situation comedy)
Meet Mike, Eddie, Jerry, and Al. They’re four guys in their forties who still live like they’re in their old college fraternity! If you thought adults in their 20’s who moved back in with their parents after graduation were sad, then you haven’t met these guys. Their house is a wreck, with clothes piled all over the place, stains from lord-knows-what on the rugs, a collection of stolen road signs. store mannequins, pizza boxes, stacks of pornographic magazines, and beer bottles everywhere you look. Did we mention the clipped-out pictures from Maxim and FHM taped to the walls? Don’t even ask about the bathroom. Believe us, you don’t want to know! Yep, that’s right, these four slobs haven’t matured one bit for more than twenty years. In the opener, hilarity ensues when Eddie gets a phone call from his devout catholic parents, who tell them that they’re coming for a visit. There’s a huge problem though. You see, Eddie told them he owns the house himself, that he’s dating a nice girl he plans to marry, and that he has an executive job. (All four of our frat heros have gone nowhere, spending the past twenty years job hopping from one low paying job to another.) Watch what happens as our four heros make a mad dash to clean up the house, then try to buy business suits at a thrift store, to fool Eddie’s parents. Stars Emilio Estevez as Mike, and Justin Priestly as Eddie. Watch for John DeLancie in a recurring role as the head of the neighborhood watch committee.
Impulse Buy! (comedy drama)
In a return to series TV, John Goodman stars as Frankie, the manager of a discount drug store where anything can go wrong, and usually does. In the opener, the store’s heating system goes totally of whack, and overheats the entire store. The new pharmacist doesn’t speak english, and regular customer Sally (Rosie O’Donnell), gets into a bloody fist-fight in the store with another customer over the last can of beets that were on sale. As if things just couldn’t get any worse, the sexy cashier (Pamela Anderson) can’t stand the overheated store, and takes off most her clothes, opting to wear just the red company smock. It turns out to be great for business, as men keep coming in to buy all the junk items near the register, including combs, candy, batteries, toys, etc. Could things get any nuttier? Different guest stars each week, including John Astin as the elderly man whose prescriptions keep getting screwed up.
And there you have it. No better than what’s presently being offered, and certainly no worse. Of course, television networks would never even consider offering such moronic programming as this, would they?
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