‘When a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if a man bites a dog, that is news.’ John B. Bogart.
Alas, another day, another collection of boring news stories. It’s a funny thing about us Americans, the way we ‘harden up’ to news stories that just don’t impress us any more.
A convenience store got robbed in Dorchester? The owner was shot? The standard response is ‘Yeah, so?’ No other reaction. A woman got mugged while jogging through Central Park at night? No, that will bounce right off any New Yorker I’ve ever met. Some might make a comment about how stupid she was, jogging through that area at night, but that’s about it. ‘A robbery at a liquor store? Nope, no problem. The police put all the schools in the area in lock-down, but that was about it.’ All the schools in lock-down? I must truly be from another time. I went through twelve years of public school, and ‘lock-down’ was never even mentioned.
Not too long ago, Americans were indeed aghast at the price signs on gas pumps. But, in the American tradition, a price sign of $2.98 and 9/10¢ per gallon just doesn’t seem to phase anyone at all anymore. ‘Well, I need to drive, what are you gonna do?’ Indeed.
On the subject of gasoline prices, I keep thinking of Glenn Heller’s Beacon Hill Gulf. Now, some of you younger readers are probably asking ‘Who is Glenn Heller?’ Well, Glenn Heller, a tall, bearded, bespectacled dude, with a dark bushy beard and scary demeanor, was the owner and operator of the Beacon Hill Gulf gas station, back in the days of the Arab oil embargoes of the 70’s. He earned his place in history when he became the first gas station operator in Boston to go over one dollar in price for a gallon of gasoline. He also had the distinction of being the very first gas station operator that anyone knew of, that charged people for using the air hose. I was bicycling around the city a lot back then, and he even charged 50¢ per bike for air. ‘Attendant will connect hose. Air costs money to compress!’, a hand-lettered sign stated with authority.
Today, no one knows the whereabouts of Mr. Glenn Heller. He sold the gas station back in the early 80’s, and took off for parts unknown. Somehow, the conspiracy buff in me wants to believe that he’s operating from a secret lair somewhere, and that he’s behind all those pay-for-air stations that are now standard equipment at gas stations everywhere, with a few exceptions. You know these things: They’ve taken the place of the good old, free air hoses that were a fixture at gas stations for decades. These pay-for-air stations are usually not even owned or maintained by the gas station owners. No, they’re owned by mysterious vending companies. A lot of them don’t work, (‘Dat’s not my problem!’) and the ones that do seem deliberately set to dispense air very slowly, requiring at least two deposits of 75¢. Many have air chucks that are so worn, that it’s difficult to get a good, snug air seal, so more of your money literally vanishes into thin air. I’m considering buying one of those small, portable air compressors, that run on the 12 volt accessory outlet in most cars. The Black and Decker air station is in the price range I was considering, but the product smacks of cheap manufacture. (The case if of poor quality, and the air chuck feels as though it might last a year, if that. Typical consumer product engineering.) If any of you out there have a model to recommend, drop me a line here.
So what would get folks’ attention? How about some headlines you’ll never see? I’ve done this before, and it was fun dammit! So, here we go again.
Gas Stations announce a return to free stuff!
New York-In a surprise move, the CEO’s of Shell, Mobile/Exxon, and Sun Oil Company (Sunoco) have announced a return to free things at all of their service stations. Things such as road maps, air, and windshield cleaning will now all be offered for free, just as they were back in the 60’s ‘We didn’t realize how much people missed these things’, one CEO stated. ‘We’re really sorry, and we want to make it up to people’. The CEO of Texaco proudly held up one of his company’s first free road maps. ‘Come on in and have a map on us’, he said.
Corrupt politicians turn themselves in.
USA-In a move that sent shockwaves through state and local governments from coast to coast, corrupt public office holders nationwide have all decided to turn themselves in, and admit their crimes, no matter how small. ‘I feel like such a loser’, one selectman from a small Massachusetts town stated. ‘I took all the money, I did absolutely nothing for the people, and I hired all my relatives onto the town payroll. I betrayed the trust I was given by my own people. But, I’m ready to man-up to all of it.’ At the Massachusetts state house, most members of the state legislature owned up to something, with crimes ranging from embezzling millions in state funds and padding state payrolls with friends and relatives, to swiping office supplies and using state issued cars for personal use. Phone calls to the Massachusetts Governor’s office went unreturned.
‘Our Programs Stink!’ say big four networks.
Los Angeles-In a not-too-surprising announcement, the chiefs of CBS, NBC, ABC, and FOX came out of a rare joint meeting today, and said that most of their programs all stink, and that effective immediately, they were canceling almost all of them. NBC announced that they would simply re-run Star Trek and ‘Rowan and Martin’s Laugh In’, until producers could come up with programs that people would actually enjoy. The other three network bosses didn’t announce any plans, but hoped the American Public would forgive them for treating them like dolts.
Dell admits he was wrong.
Round Rock, Texas-Dell CEO Mike Dell today admitted that he was wrong in 1997, when he said that if he were running Apple Inc., he would shut it down and give the money back to the shareholders. Dell made this announcement at a press conference held at the company’s Round Rock, Texas headquarters. ‘I was really stupid for making such a dumb comment.’ Dell said. ‘Apple is a great company, with a lot of innovative ideas that we couldn’t think of in a thousand years’, Dell said. Dell fielded several questions before continuing. ‘Hey look’, he said, ‘If it weren’t for Apple, who would I steal ideas from, Microsoft?’ This brought a round of good-hearted belly laughs. Dell then treated everyone in the room to a Texas barbecue lunch at the company cafeteria.
Spears, Lohan, and Hilton agree to quit making fools of themselves.
Hollywood, California-It was the most rare of announcements today in Hollywood, when Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton got together at a press conference, and announced that they were setting a terrible example for young women, and that they were going to stop it, effective immediately.
‘I have set a terrible, horrible example’ stated Hilton. ‘Here I’ve been blessed with all this money and good fortune, and look at how I’ve behaved’. Lohan added that she too had made a total fool of herself, and urged young girls not to act like her. ‘Study and get an education’ she advised her young fans. ‘You can be a doctor, an engineer, or a scientist’. While Britney Spears made no official comments, she did say through a publicist that she intends to quietly retire to private life, and concentrate on raising her children and being the best mother possible. Lohan further surprised everyone by holding up her application form to University of California, Los Angeles, where she hopes to major in American Literature, if she is accepted.
Boston announces no more parking meters, no more Denver Boots.
Boston, MA-In a very shocking move, Boston Mayor Tom Menino announced today that beginning next week, the city would systematically remove all parking meters, and totally eliminate the parking enforcement department. ‘People already pay enough to keep their cars on the road. It’s just mean to demand more money out of car owners’, the Mayor said. ‘We want people to come to our city for business and pleasure. We don’t want them to be afraid to come’. The Mayor added that he would continue to urge people to use public transportation whenever possible. ‘We just can’t add more parking spaces at this time’, Menino said. ‘So, the number of parking spaces is still very limited.’ The Mayor went on to say that Boston’s entire stock of ‘Denver Boots’ would be sold to the public. ‘They make great anti-theft devices!’ the Mayor said. ‘If you don’t own a car, they make great objects of curiosity.’ He added that all employees of the Parking enforcement department would be offered jobs at their present pay grades in other departments of the city, with no loss of seniority. ‘No layoffs on my watch!’ he added.
Cambridge announces no more political correctness, and huge Christmas display on public common.
Cambridge, MA-The city of Cambridge Massachusetts, a place long associated with liberal political views and for being a haven for politically correct speech, announced today that they were ‘dropping all the politically correct mumbo jumbo’, and that the city would have the ‘biggest, best Christmas display the city has ever seen’. The announcement came from the office of the city council. ‘It has come to our attention that people have had it up to here with our city being known for political correctness, protest marches, and nothing else’ stated the chair of the city council. In past years, the word ‘Christmas’ has been excluded from all city greeting cards and documents. ‘We are gonna fix that!’ said the chair. ‘We’re going to have the best light display, the biggest Santa Claus statue, and a great Nativity scene, you’ll see’ he added. Local Cambridge residents who are known to be strong supporters of the politically correct speech movement were not available for comment, although local CVS stores noted a spike in sales of Valium.
And that’s all the news for today.
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