Are you tired of the same old news headlines and news stories, day-in and day-out? I know you are. No problem, I’m pretty tired of them myself. So, here are some news articles that you always wanted to read (maybe not) but never will, except right here, in fictional form. Enjoy, (or don’t) and remember, none of this is real, nor is it likely to be.
Hooters to open restaurant on Nantucket.
Nantucket Island, MA –The board of selectmen of Nantucket today announced that they will grant a permit to Hooters Inc. allowing them to build and open one of their famous restaurants on the island. Nantucket, known as a playground for the top one percent of the wealthiest people in the nation, is trying to live down its reputation as a restrictive, expensive, elitist place. Famous for pricey art galleries, restaurants where there are no prices on the menu, and hotel rooms costing thousands of dollars per night, selectmen are hoping that allowing the new Hooters will bring some working class charm and fun back to the island. The head selectmen was quoted as saying, ‘People see us as an island full of rich arrogant bastards, and quite frankly, we’re sick of it. I’m going to Hooters as soon as they open it’. Nantucket regular, Senator John Kerry was asked if he would frequent the new Hooters when it opened. He declined comment. In the wake of the Hooters announcement, three other business concerns said they would be opening up locations on the island. The three companies were Frank’s Bait and Guns, a check cashing company, and a Dollar store.
TV networks announce plan to make Saturday nights fun again.
New York– The presidents of CBS, ABC, and NBC announced at a joint meeting today that they will make Saturday night a fun evening to watch TV again. Long considered a dead zone by TV programming executives, the network chiefs announced that their plan is a very simple one: They’ll re-run all of the very best programs from television’s golden era. ABC announced that they will start showing the classic science fiction anthology series ‘The Outer limits’ and the horror series ‘Thriller’, while CBS announced a plan to air the first season of ‘Lost in Space’. ‘We’re sticking to the first year, black and white episodes, as they seem to be very popular with viewers’, the CBS chief explained. CBS further added that they would bring back ‘The Twilight Zone’, to follow right after Lost in Space. The biggest announcement was from NBC, where ‘Star Trek’ will be returning to the schedule. ‘People just love this show’ explained the head of NBC. ‘We were really jerks when we cancelled it, back in 1969. Boy, were we stupid.’ he added. In addition, the Network presidents said that plenty of other classic series, including ‘Dragnet’, ‘Route 66’, ‘High Chaparral’, and ‘The Fugitive’ will all be returning to television on Saturday night. Wall street hailed the plan as a brilliant move, as re-running these old programs will pull in more viewers then the present plan, which consists of broadcasting movies that everyone has already seen, and stretching them with commercials to four hours in order to fill the time slots. The executives added that ‘We already own the rights to all these shows, so this costs us nothing.’
Suburbanopoly game announced.
New York–The producers of Ghettopoly announced a companion game today, to be called Suburbanopoly. The board game will be based on the classic board game ‘Monopoly’, and will be similar in play to Ghettopoly. The game tokens will consist of a Lexus SUV, a bag of golf clubs, a BMW sedan, a Volvo station wagon, and a McMansion. Players will move about the board, landing on such streets as Lantern Avenue, Old Heather Drive, and Pine Acres country club. They’ll have the options of buying the streets and properties outright, or building McMansions or luxury condos on them. Take-a-chance cards will consist of such things as ‘Cash out your stock options, collect $1000.00 from each player’, and ‘You are laid off from your executive position, lose 3 turns’. Community Chest cards will consist of such things as ‘Wife catches you in comprising position with nanny, pay $50,000’, and ‘The house next door goes section 8, and an immigrant family moves in. Lose a turn.’ The producers of Suburbanopoly expect to have the game on store shelves in time for Christmas.
Hollywood says ‘No more remakes or sequels!’.
Hollywood, CA–Movie moguls announced today that they would stop re-making old movies, and poor sequels to hit movies. ‘It’s just dumb, and they don’t perform well at the box office at all’, said one studio executive, asking not to be named. The executive added that ‘We had no idea that movie goers were so fed up, and we’re really sorry.’ The heads of Paramount and Universal studios released a statement saying that ‘we know that there are thousands of good, solid screenplays out there, written by some very talented people who just need a break. Well, starting right now, we’re going to give them the breaks they deserve.’ Plans to remake ‘The Ten Commandments’, with Brad Pitt as Moses, and Lindsay Lohan as Queen Nefertiti, have been shelved.
Hillary Clinton announces return to Republican party.
New York–U.S. Senator Hillary Clinton announced today that she is returning to the Republican party, having last been a member back when she was a student at Wellesley College. Asked at a press conference why she was making this bold move, the Senator replied ‘Oh, I just think it’s the smart thing to do, and besides, they have more money.’ When asked why she moved from the GOP to the Democratic party in the first place, the Senator replied that ‘I just don’t know what I was thinking back then. I really screwed up.’ Former President George W. Bush praised the move, extending an invitation to the Senator to come to his Texas ranch for a barbecue and some mountain biking. The Senator accepted, but added that she already had an appointment to do some cycling on the road with Texas Governor, Lance Armstrong.
Apple Computer makes offer to buy Dell.
Cupertino, CA–Apple Computer CEO Steve Jobs announced today that Apple has made an offer to buy the beleaguered Dell Computer Corporation, for five billion in cash. Dell, once dominant in the sheer number of desktop computers sold, has been struggling for years, ever since Apple made it possible to run Microsoft’s Windows operating system on their Macintosh computers, early in 2006. Dell’s misfortunes have been mounting, with one failed product line after another, the departure of most of its executive staff, and a steadily shrinking market share. In addition, Dell founder and CEO Mike Dell has become an eccentric recluse, running the company from an undisclosed location, and never seeing anyone, except for his old friend, retired Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, and a few company executives. Rumors that Mr. Dell now resembles a ‘Howard Hughes type of figure’, complete with long stringy hair, a long beard and finger nails, have been circulating for the past several years. Dell officials were not available for comment.
See? You’ll never see these headlines for real. (wink-wink)
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