Having attained my goal weight on the Atkins diet, I can attest to it’s effectiveness FOR ME over the past eight months. There are some things I miss though, and I’m slightly ashamed to say the thing that I miss most is really crappy fast food.
Now I’m not talking your Big Macs or Whoppers here, I’m talking about the bottom of the fast food food chain. Like Arctic Circle french fries with that nasty orange fry sauce. Or the Taco Time Mexi-Burger. Or the Dairy Queen chicken strip basket. Homer Simpson voice…uuunnnggghhh, Greasy Thick White Bread and Gravy. I’ll even admit to occasionally craving the lowest of the low in fast food cuisine, the Jack In The Box taco. Yes, you read that right, the Jack In The Box taco.
The Jack In The Box taco has been on their menu since I first started patronizing their restaurant in 1970 or so. As far as I can tell, it has stayed the same for 34 years. Taco meat, (i.e., greasy hamburger with some kind of spice), mashed beans, cheese, lettuce, and tomato wrapped in a corn tortilla, then deep fried in the same grease they use for the french fries. And there is no way, absolutely NO WAY to keep that orange grease from running down your arm when you’re eating it. It does not fill you up. It is hard to eat. It tastes like elementary school cafeteria food. If you open it up and actually look at the ingredients it could turn your stomach. So why do I occasionally indulge? Beats me.
I have particular tastes in fast food. I will eat a quarter pounder with cheese, but not a Big Mac, or a double cheeseburger from Burger King, but not a Whopper. The six dollar burger from Carl’s Jr. is hard to beat by anyone’s standard, but their western bacon cheeseburger is disgusting. (Why do people think that if they pour bar-b-que sauce on top of a burger that it’s bar-b-qued? And what’s with that onion ring on top? Ugh.)
Arctic Circle is the place for fish and chips. Dairy Queen is for chili dogs. Arby’s? Forget it, just keep driving on by. Arby’s has an explosive impact on my particular, ah, shall we say, methane production system. I don’t much care at all for Taco Time or Taco Bell, but if forced (and if the Mexi Burger is not on the menu) I’ll go for the nacho platter, no beans, extra meat, and pay extra for the guacamole. KFC leaves me cold, there is something that is a little too plump in those chickens for my comfortability meter. A&W Root Beer featured a Velveeta cheeseburger for a while which was particularly nasty, and that made it all the more enjoyable.
While we’re on the subject, I’m a Coca-Cola gal. Always have been, always will be. Do not offer me Pepsi, as in, when you are in a restaurant and you order a Coke and the waitperson says, “Pepsi OK?” the answer is “No, Pepsi is not OK. Pepsi is less than OK, in fact, there aren’t even any other Pepsi products you can offer me as an alternative.” If no Coke, then it’s iced tea. If no iced tea, then it’s water. But not Pepsi, never Pepsi. Pepsi is the spawn of the devil, and furthermore….what? Oh, sorry, ranting. Nevermind.
My first job at age 13 was working after school from 3:30 to 5:30 at the soda fountain in the back of Roseberry’s Drug Store. There was an ice cream freezer that held eight large cartons of ice cream, a Stewart’s Sandwich oven, a two burner coffee maker, a milkshake maker and a Coca Cola dispenser. To get Coca Cola out of the dispenser one would pour a gallon of Coca Cola syrup into the top. It would then mix with the carbonated water in exactly the perfect proportion. If you wanted a root beer or a Seven Up, it came out of a bottle, not a can. And not out of a dispenser. Only Coke was dispensed.
I made banana splits and hot fudge sundaes, milkshakes and malted milks, ice cream floats, ice cream sodas, and cones. The Stewart’s Sandwiches came frozen wrapped in cellophane. There were hamburgers and cheeseburgers, ham and cheese, hot dogs, and roast beef, served up on a paper plate with a bag of chips and pickle slices. It took anywhere from three to five minutes to heat the pre-made frozen sandwiches in the special Stewart’s Sandwiches oven. If you guessed too little time, the meat was frozen in the middle; too much time and the bun got too hard. I was allowed one Stewart’s Sandwich per shift, and all the Coke I could drink. To paraphrase Comic Book Guy, they were the Worst. Sandwiches. Ever. Which only made them more disgustingly delightful.
By the Stewart’s Sandwich standard, my love of nasty fast food spans a thirty-eight year history. It’s no wonder that after all that time, Atkins was my only recourse. Ah, well, and what do we eat on Atkins? A typical daily menu would be: low carb Kellogg’s All Bran with skim milk for breakfast; green salad with homemade salad dressing, tuna with mayonnaise and a cup of tea for lunch; chicken breast stuffed with feta cheese and mozarella, wrapped in bacon, served with fauxtatoes* and brussel sprouts steamed in water and balsamic vinegar for dinner, low carb ice cream for dessert.
Now that I think about it, I guess I don’t really miss those Jack In The Box tacos all that much.
*Fauxtatoes Recipe
Steam a head of cauliflower until tender
You can add a coarsely chopped leek if you wish
Place in food processor with “S” blade
Add any (or all) of the following:
butter, cream cheese, feta cheese, cheddar cheese, parmesan cheese
process until smooth, serve like mashed potatoes. mmm mmm good.
CKS Tridiot Rating has zero carbs, zero polyunsaturated fats, 895 calories (600 calories from fat), and 5 grams of cholesterol, all toasted up in a Stewart Sandwich oven for a tasty 93.685%
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