Bathroom Talk

There is some good feeling of being rewarded when you get some form of a bonus on a product you already bought. When I bought my low-end webcam that was already on sale and at the same time getting a microphone for free, it felt like a double whammy. Although, I am not quite sure about all those wares being peddled in the Shopping Channel where they try to convince you to order within the next five minutes to get that bonus super sharp knife with their amazing cheese grater. For the next time you tuned in, the same offer still exists.

Anyway, I digress. So when Ebay logos started to show up on packages of Royale Bathroom Tissues with promo notes about entering code numbers to get points to use in bidding on auctions, I bought 4 of those 24 roll packs.

And why not? You have to buy toilet paper anyway, Royale is a good product and it was actually marginally on sale ( not that I am really a sucker for sales).

After the impulse buying hysteria and excitement had died down and I am at home figuring out if I have an extra nook or crevice that I could store two of the packs that has no room on my bathroom, I read the contest rules.

Now, I was vaguely aware of eBay points: something about a branded credit card that earns you some kind of pseudo-money you can use in payment for items on the global auction site. And the Royale package blurb made it sound like these very rolls were a source of those points. Look inside the cardboard tubes to find code numbers, redeem them for points on the Royale site (www .royalebidtowin.com/), and use your points to bid on auction prizes. Hmmm. Auction prizes—that was the weasel phrase. I didn’t spot it at first. It should have said “use your points to bid on eBay auctions”. That’s what I wanted to believe I was getting.

I am curious on what “prizes” are up for auction but at the same time, I do not want to waste good paper, so I actually waited for a couple of days till I got my first empty cardboard tube that I can use for the site.

With the number encoded carboard tube in my hand, I finally visited the site

That’s when it became clear the points were intended for use only on a select group of items within the Royale site, and not on eBay. Still, let’s look at the prizes. Oh, but first, let’s enter a code number from one of these empty rolls into the little box in the corner there. Oh, you need to register first.

And what a registration form it is (not to mention that the user agreement goes on so long that if it was actually written in one of their toilet paper, the unrolled sheets would have nearly crossed the border to the US). Nothing extreme, but I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to be in their silly contest anymore, and I needed to supply a name, address, and e-mail. I decided to be less than truthful. So, if there actually is a town called Calgary in B.C., and there’s a house at 1000 Trump Ave, and a guy named George McDuck lives there, well, I apologize for the junk mail I probably just signed you up for. Be a hell of a coincidence, though.

Fortunately, registration didn’t involve e-mail verification. As soon as I said who I wasn’t, I was in. The tube had two sets of 12 digit code in, and expectantly typed in one of the set. Hmm. A hundred points. The next one was also 100 points. I figure no company would be stupid enough to make you do all this and get nothing, so each roll was probably at least the same amount.

Common sense dictates for an item that cost 30-40 cents, 100 points probably does not amount to much. Anyway, here I am scoping out the prizes.

Oh lets look at Day Adventures : 2 Famous Players Night out, that gives you 2 general admission tickets, 2 regular softdrinks and a regular popcorn which closes on the 17th. But, the current bid is already 2910 points. Ok that is like 29 rolls, I cannot possibly waste 29 rolls just to get that. There are hot air balloon rides and amusement park passes. I think I will pass on that

How about in the Home Entertainment Category : A cordless phone that is right now with a current bid of over 7,000 pts. subscriptions to various magazines, various computer animated DVDs and wait what is that, a 512 Mb iPod shuffle. Now that I might be interested. Current bid 17200 points!!! Okay maybe not.

What else, In Summer Fun, various sports balls, tennis rackets, barbecue sets. The one that I am remotely interested, a 4 person Dome Tent already had a current bid of 4100 points. Health and Wellness, various electric shavers, towel set, makeup kit, yoga mats. And as for the category “Royale Kittens”, that turns out to be corporate promo stuff like stuffed toy cats, a hand puppet, and a baseball cap. It’s a fairly discreet hat—black, with the word Royale tastefully stitched in white—but still, would you wear it? It would be tough to take all the people coming up and calling you “ass wipe”.

At this point, I am beginning to realize, there are only a handful prizes in there that I would fight for on a bidding war and those that worth having seems to be unachievable at the current rate of my paper consumption.

The big prizes is in the last category : Ultimate Adventure which has three items : A family cruise to the Caribbeans, a spa retreat in the Domincan Republic and Disney World Vacation are really way up there in points, over 23000 points on the lowest bidded item of the three. Do the math and that is over 230 rolls. And who do I think willd win it, probably some janitor in some plush hotel or office building who have access to thousands of those rolls.

As for my chances of winning? Unless I started to embark on an all fibre diet and eat all kinds of bran, grains, roughages, branches and tree barks, I just have to contend that I would have enough toilet paper to last me way past the date the auction promo ends. I still don’t know where the Ebay connection is though.

LINKS (powered by Chris Seibold’s inpiration)

Okay this one still boggles me, look on it http://www.subservientchicken.com

For those of you who like puzzles try out :
http://www.fasco-csc.com/index_e.html. Start at Crimson room and work along.