Ask Uncle Doofus!

You’ve got questions? Uncle Doofus has the answers!

Well Folks, I’m taking some needed R & R, so in my stead, Uncle Doofus will be here to answer all your technical questions, no matter how dumb, and to give advice, no matter how lame. Don’t be afraid, ask your uncle Doofus anything!

Q: Uncle Doofus, I’m very, very concerned about computer security. I never use the admin account on my mac ever. I have everything locked with passwords, and I even have an open firmware password set. I keep my licenses on another drive, I don’t want anyone to see them, for god’s sake! I keep my home directory in an encrypted disk image on a firewire drive, and I keep that locked in a strong box. I change the combination on the strong box every day. Do I have enough security? I’m really worried.
A: In a word, no. They’re after you, no question about it. Here’s what you need to do: Go to the store right now, and buy all the foil they have on hand. Make yourself several hats out of the foil. Then use the rest of the foil to wallpaper the entire house. This is the only way you can defeat “them”! Also, as soon as you can set it up, go to Switzerland, and open up a deposit box account. Keep your Mac and all your drives in the deposit box. This is a lot to go through, but you want to be secure right? Oh, don’t forget to check for black helicopters around your house at least three times per hour, around the clock. Get the wife and kids in on this, and have them work in shifts. And get rid of every mirror, they’re really screens that “they” use to watch you. They’re watching you, right now.

Q: Hey Uncle Doofus, I’ve got a problem. I want to keep everything, applications, documents, self mounting disk images, etc. right on my desktop, so I won’t have to look for anything. Friends and coworkers try to tell me I should learn to make folders and file things away, but that’s very confusing to me. What do you suggest?
A: You have friends?

Q: Uncle Doofus, why do I have to update my software? I’m so afraid of that “software update” thingy, Every time I think about using it, I break out in a cold sweat. Last time I wanted to run software update, I was able to get my neighbor’s teenaged son to run it for me, but he’s going back to college in the fall. I don’t see why I have to do all this anyway. Why doesn’t everyone just leave me alone?
A: There is a computer available which you never have to update. It’s called a “Remington Manual”. These used to be very popular. All you need is paper. You’ll find dealers listed in the yellow pages, under “Antiques”.

Q: Uncle Doofus, I want everything for free. That’s right, I see no reason why I should have to pay for anything related to my computer. I mean, I did pay good money for this computer, and I feel that everyone should just give me software. I scoff at anyone who yaks up thirty bucks for a Quicktime pro license, when it’s so much more personally rewarding to just steal someone else’s. I refuse to pay for movies, or CD’s, as I’m just too smart for that. I just download them from illegal sources, or else I make illegal copies of DVD’s using hackerware to defeat the copy locks. I have yet to pay for a movie on DVD. I see nothing wrong with this. I refuse to pay for any applications, I’ll just wait until someone posts it on-line illegally. My question is, do you see anything wrong with this?
A: No, nothing at all. No siree, you have got the right idea. I don’t mind paying a higher price for something, just because some walking, talking waste-bag who thinks he’s being cool, can’t live by the rules, and has no self discipline, conscious, or honor. No, I don’t mind paying extra, to cover the loss suffered by companies, caused by people like you. I’m sure none of the hundreds of thousands of readers out there mind at all either. I’m sure law enforcement officials and copyright holders have no problem with your behavior, and neither do the authors of those applications, who have labored very hard to get them on the market. No, you’re just too smart and cool, that’s all there is to it. Heck, you may be getting a free ride in a police car, and a nice pair of stainless steel bracelets, very very soon. Won’t that be fun?

Q: Uncle Doofus, some people think I’m crazy. I started setting up my own network of Macs back in the late 80’s, and I never stopped adding to it. I’ve got Farallon phone kits all over the house, and more phone cord than a small central office. My network consists of Mac Plus’s, Mac II FX’s, Mac SE’s, Apple Laserwriters, and a few Performas.
I have not left my house in ten years. Am I crazy?
A: That is a strange question, even for Uncle Doofus. Tell you what: I’m going to make a phone call to a young woman named Pamela Anderson. I’ll ask her to show up at your house, while dressed only in white, lacy bikini lingerie, a few gold chains, and high heels. If you come out of your house for Pam, I’d say you’re OK. If you still refuse to leave your house, now matter how much Pam bats those big blue eyes of hers at you, I would say you are more screwed up than a football bat.

That’s about it this time folks. Uncle Doofus is tired, and needs a nice nap.
Tune in Next time, for more technical advice from your Uncle Doofus.