LAS VEGAS WEDDING by ARTIE (Macworld SF 2006 guest writer and Nemo’s ancient pal)
Flight Number One
I boarded the plane in Nashville early Sunday AM and sat in the back praying that I would get quiet rowmates. Two women sat down next to me. They were very excited about going to Vegas. I was in the window seat. The one on the aisle had the most annoying tittering laugh as she spoke to her friend next to me. Everything she said, she laughed. Hehehehehehe!!! Everything her friend said, she laughed. Hehehehehe!!! I thought surely when we all got settled and the plane took off she’d calm down.
It got worse. By the time we got into the sky it was driving me mad. She never stopped. Then the steward offered drinks. She got drunk. They got louder. It was annoying everyone around her but she was oblivious. And I was livid. It was all I could do to keep from leaning over to her and yelling in her face to shut the f**k up.
After about 45 minutes I got the idea to get out my DVD player and put in some music. I had some great CDs with me. I got it set up on my tray table, put a Ray Charles CD on, plugged in my headset, and low and behold the battery was dead as a hammer. All I could think at that point was I would be arrested upon landing for attempted murder. I even left my headset on to try and block her nattering but to no avail.
She was so loud and obnoxious I finally put away my stuff, leaned over to the ladies and asked them to let me out. I spent the rest of the flight at the service station, standing up in the cold and talking to the steward and stewardess. They understood. I’ve never been happier in my life to get off a plane.
Meal Number One
I was starving. I had left the house in a hurry and had only a banana and my coffee for the trip to the airport. I got away from the gate as fast as I could and went toward ground transportation to get to Payless Car Rental. I had to take a bus there. That was OK. Got the car. No problem. Drove into Vegas. It was about 10:30 AM. I had no idea where anyone in the wedding group was.
I had to eat something so I stopped at a Denny’s for some quick sustenance. I knew better but it was right there and after that plane ride I was getting lightheaded and impatient. Besides, how can you screw up some eggs and hashbrowns and toast?
I’ll tell you how. You can float the whole thing in a quarter inch of grease, and cook the eggs so fast that the outside looked done but the whites were still runny. And for good measure you could burn the hashbrowns to a crisp. I ate some of the eggs and toast.
As I was paying the manager asked me “how was your meal?” My prayers had been answered. I was hoping he’d ask. I even rehearsed the answer. “It was the worst s**t I have ever tried to eat. It was not fit for human consumption.” He was taken aback. I was vindicated. I left and went to my hotel.
The Wedding
We all met downstairs. One by one the friends showed up, took pix, and waited for the rest. Then, en masse, we all walked three blocks to a wedding chapel. It was a little place on some nondescript street. It could have been shoe store. But it was nice inside and the people there took good care of the bridal couple.
We were all led into a small room (chapel?) with a cute little altar and frilly crap on the walls. Everyone was seated. Bride and groom were standing in front of the altar when the marrying guy came in. He looked like a televangelist. The room became quiet as he began to speak.
He must have said those words a thousand times before. He was respectful, the words were actually quite beautiful…about marriage, love, respect, etc…but his delivery was so sing-songy it was hard not to laugh. It took about 15 minutes. Done. They’re married.
Meal Number Two
Afterwards we all went to the Rio Buffet. If you haven’t been to this place you’ve never seen lavish extravagance. You could feed a small country in this restaurant. There is everything from Mexican to Crablegs to Oriental to Prime Rib and anything in between. The desert table alone is bigger than my studio.
Needless to say everyone ate their fill. For once in my life I was not a pig and I walked away satisfied and unscathed. Others not as smart as I had more than their fill and I’m not sure they made it back to their rooms in time.
Meals and Gambling
The next day we all got together for brunch at the Café Lux in the Venetian Hotel. The food there is very good and reasonably priced. The hotel is a model for Greek/Roman whorehouses and vomitoriums. A little too over the top for me. But that’s where the happy couple’s room was. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.
Monday was spent touring around and napping. I was exhausted from the previous day and wound up in a delicious three hour nap. I got up around 5:00PM and went downstairs to the restaurant to eat. I had some drinks later on and did a bit of gambling. It was fun for a while but it gets boring quickly. I was back at the room by 10:00PM watching the few channels they offer for free. These hotels try to entice you to pay for movies and smut on their TVs. I was asleep by 11.
Flight Number Two
I had to return my rental car. Painless at Payless. We took the bus to the terminal. We already had our boarding passes so we got a bit of lunch at the local Mexican Cantina. We got to our Southwest Airlines gate just in time to get in the A line.
As we got on the plane my daughter chose three seats together about 7 rows back. We got settled while everyone else boarded. I leaned over and told her how glad I was that we were all riding back together and that I didn’t have to put up with the tittering twosome.
No sooner had I said that I heard Hehehehe coming from across the aisle. Heheheheh! “God, no!!!” I yelled. The people behind me thought I was in trouble. Hehehehe!!! Again. No. No. Noooo. There they were. Sitting a few rows in front of us and across the aisle. I thought I would go crazy.
I tried to get up but my daughter stopped me. She saw the look on my face. The three of us couldn’t stop laughing and at the same time I had blood in my eyes. I wanted to go over there and tell them to shut up or I’ll have them removed from the plane.
It was the worst luck. How could this have happened? I looked up in God’s direction and begged for an answer. He didn’t respond. Hehehehe!!! Well, we finally settled down. The nattering Nancy one finally fell asleep (thank you God) and we got home with not too much ado.
Artie
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