“Go to Dell” hissed the Gila Monster

"Go to Dell" hissed the Gila Monster

Where are Nancy’s cameras hidden?

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Nancy’s Dell laptop had a defective CD-RW module, so I ordered a replacement for her. Upon its arrival, I unpacked it, and then examined the bottom of her computer, ready to remove the old unit and insert the new one.

Unlike an Apple "Pismo" or similar G3 PowerBook, this Dell did not have any obvious way to release a CD module from inside the computer via slider or spring. I called Dell’s tech support, and contacted Alphonse in the Philippines, who speaks English better than a current resident of the White House.

Alphonse told me to get a small screwdriver, explaining that this CD-RW unit slides in or out easily once two tiny screws are removed. Nancy wasn’t home, so after a brief search in her kitchen for the screwdriver, I headed out to my Toyota wagon for one. The car was parked right in front of her house, roughly fifteen feet from her door.

I dashed outside, noticed something unusual, and stopped to investigate. A two-foot long fully-adult Gila Monster (pronounced "hee-la") was glaring and hissing at me, a couple of feet in front of my two feet. Yikes! What to do?


I ran back inside, shut the front door, and explained to Alphonse that a very large and dangerous lizard was poised to attack me, and that Dell would have to give me a few minutes to retrieve my screwdriver. I was stalling, because I didn’t know how long Gila Monster intended to wait before it moved in for the kill.


Where was Nancy’s camera? She has two of them, but I couldn’t locate either one. My camera, also in my Toyota, would be useless if Gila Monster disappeared (or bit me) before I could retrieve it.

Alphonse was patient, so I peeked outside and saw the lizard getting closer to Nancy’s door. I remembered that when a Gila Monster bites, its jaws clamp tighter and tighter until either the lizard needs to be killed and pried loose or your arm — let’s not pursue that avenue further. Where the fudge does she keep her cameras? I’ve lived in Arizona for fifteen years and never seen a Gila Monster in the wild (even though my desert neighborhood is much more wild than is Nancy’s golf course community).

Two minutes later, Gila Monster was out of site. I crept carefully to the car, trying to look in every direction simultaneously. Grabbing my screwdrivers, I returned inside and exchanged CD units, with Alphonse’s help. The computer worked fine, Gila Monster was gone, and I would live to receive payment from Nancy (who reminded me that I could have used her garage door to get to my car!).

Both photos came from Google’s Images locater, where you can find additional pictures of Gila Monsters (or anything else in the world) with ease. Thanks to both photographers, whoever you are.