Sometime ago I wrote a blog lamenting the fact that Apple’s Soundtrack program was going to be cancelled. I blobbered and sobbed and cried and whined and then like everyone else with the attention span of a three year old, moved on to other things.
Well (heh heh), I may have been a little hasty in sounding death dirges for Soundtrack, as it seems Apple just announced their latest High-Definition studio package, ‘Final Cut Studio’. Along with presumably incredible HD movie editing, DVD authorizing, and Motion graphics (Since they won’t give me a review copy, I can’t tell you just how wonderful they are. Cheap SOB’s), is audio editing software called ‘Soundtrack Pro’.
I imagine the conference room conversation when they first discussed this project went like this:
Opening shot: Fade in from black. A wide shot of the Apple campus in Cupertino, California. The camera begins to zoom in on a non-descript building of no real importance. It goes through the wall to an unimpressive conference room. A group of obvious office drones are all talking at once. None of them are saying anything remotely connected with the project at hand, but they all have very strong opinions and their voices are rising in volume depending on how high they are in the pecking order. Donuts are disappearing at a rapid rate and the coffee urn has already been filled twice. Their leader (distinguished by his ‘I’m your leader’ badge) stands up and calls the group to order.
Apple manager drone (Amd): C’mon People! We need to come up with a name for the professional audio editor that will go along with the ‘Video editing software package for people with a lot of money Pro’!
Apple software design engineer (drone)1 (Asde1): You mean Final Cut Studio?
(At this point the manger pushes a button under the table and John Cleese dressed in a suit of armor comes into the room and hits the software engineer with a very dead fish. Halibut, I think.)
Asde1: OW!
Amd1: That’ll teach you to call something by an obvious name.
Asde1: So what do you want to call it?
Amd1: Let’s call it ‘Apple’s really REALLY High End Video Editing package’!
(A quick side shot to John Cleese shaking the dead fish violently)
Asde2: I think that’s brilliant (He saw what happened to Asde1)!
Close up on a large red telephone next to the manager drone. It has no dials or buttons. It looks remarkably like the telephone that Adam West as Batman used to talk to Commissioner Gordon. It starts to beep and flash. As this happens, sweat begins to form on the manager drone’s head and the engineering drones immediately drop to the floor and begin genuflecting towards Apple’s corporate headquarters. The manager’s hands are shaking as he picks up the phone and in a reverent voice says; ‘Yes, your Eminence?’. A loud voice can be heard through the receiver, but no words can be made out. The manager is holding onto the phone with both hands to keep it from falling out of his grip. An audible ‘click’ is heard and the manager slowly puts the receiver back in its cradle.
Amd1: That was’¦’Him’.
Asde1-5: (in unison) All praise ‘His’ name
Amd1: ‘He’ has decided that it shall be called ‘Final Cut Studio’.
Asde1: But that’s what I’¦
Before he can finish his sentence, the manager snaps his fingers and John Cleese (still in armor of course) begins moving rapidly toward the hapless software engineer, the still very dead fish slapping against his armored hand.
Asde1: ‘¦.thought you wanted it to be called.
The armored Cleese (obviously disappointed) moves back against the wall.
Amd1: So what shall we call the audio editor then?
He glares at Asde1 who is too busy noticing he is being glared at to take notice of being glared at.
Asde2: What did we call the old version?
Amd1: We called it Soundtrack.
Asde2: Well, I’m going out on a limb here (Still armored, thank you very much, John Cleese leans forward in anticipation of yet another vigorous fish slapping with a fish that while still dead and still a Halibut, dreams his dead fishy dreams of being a flounder), but why not call it ‘Soundtrack Pro’?
All look at the silent red phone hoping against hope that it will not ring again since after two urns of coffee and countless donuts, a bathroom break was in great need. The red phone does flash once (but that was just it’s way of having a good laugh at their expense), but remains silent.
Amd1: Right then! Soundtrack Pro it is! Same time tomorrow everyone?
The five software design engineers bob their heads up and down simultaneously (while secretly hating the manager and his coveted parking space next to the women’s shower. But that’s a story for another day).
Amd1: OK. Hey You.
He looks to John Cleese (who hates him as well) and throws a broom at him that punctures his chest causing a cascade of blood. Not to worry, Many Monty Python sketches end this way and John will be back for next weeks meeting.
Amd1: Clean up in here.
They all file out, leaving the critically wounded (but still holding the dead fish, who now just wishes the whole thing was over) and bleeding profusely John Cleese to mop up coffee spills, donut crumbs, blood, and fish scales.
Fade to Black.
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