It certainly is no secret that one of the greatest joys in my life is bicycling. I could go into a lot of details about the health benefits and whatnot, but for now, let’s just say it’s fun. So, here we are, the month of July, and the height of bicycling season in New England. (I do try to ride year round, as much as our New England winters will permit.) The weather is warm, and summer evenings are perfect riding weather. You get the wonderful feeling that comes from riding in warmth, without the sting of raw winter air against your face. And on an evening ride, there is no concern about the sun burning your hide, and giving you skin cancer. Yep, life is good. Or at least, it is until some brain stem with a junk car and a serious attitude problem comes along and spoils it. You know who I’m talking about here: The sub-human species who defy all known medical science by actually living without a brain.
Now, let’s be clear on this. Not all drivers are jerks. In fact, some are actually polite, and do their best to obey the laws and rules of the road. To those drivers, I thank you for at least trying to make the roads safe for everyone. No, it’s the other ones I’m ranting about. And every cyclist knows what I’m talking about here. (Oh yes, I am well aware that a lot of bicyclists are also total nitwits when it comes to following the rules of the road. I’ll write about that another time, that’s a promise) I guess there are many things a lot worse than having a pleasant evening ride ruined by some foul-mouthed dirt ball telling you to “Get the bleep off the Road!” or a car full of teenagers, all raised by MTV, deciding to hurl a beer can or two at you, but at this precise moment in time, I can’t think of anything.
So, a quarter century of riding, and a serious interest in bikes has taught me to recognize the various species of American drivers. And, being the nice guy that I am, I have given them names, and sorted them out for you. So, without further ranting on my part, I give you,
The top ten types of drivers to watch out for, while riding.
10: “The All-American Thug” Drives a beat up, American car of classic 70’s vintage, with a coat hanger radio antenna, or a sad, tired-sounding pickup. Has offensive vocabulary, and equally offensive body odor. Will try to run you off the road, or peg you with empty beer can, or fast-food garbage. They have a constant supply of this stuff, since inside of their car looks and smells like the local town dump. More dangerous if more than one of species is in car. (Women cyclists should be especially on guard. Males species will frequently make crude comments regarding where you should sit.) Species waist size is higher than total IQ. Also watch for female of this species, who are known to be even more aggressive, and belligerent, and can toss out the “F” word with the best of them. Male of species has “beer gut”, whereas female of species has “beer butt”. The Thug is frequently driving on a license which is suspended or revoked, but that doesn’t stop them at all.
9: “Mr. Junior Executive” Watch for a Saab, BMW, Lexus, or Acura, never more than two years old. Car is equipped with a cell phone, fax machine, full sound system, and the best anti-theft system available. Mr. Exec. is more important than you, and you better know it! He does not have time for trivial things, like seeing if you are injured, after his negligence has caused a serious accident. After all, he has meetings to go to, and prospectus’s to study. His attorney will answer all questions. Note: Car is leased, never owned, “to avoid capital depreciation costs”. Species is also known to drive “Luxury SUV.” If stopped by police, species is likely to ask officer “Do you know who I am?” Luckily, this rarely, if ever, impresses police.
8: “Ms. Junior Executive” See number 9, above. Substitute female gender where needed. Hates to be late for appointment with personal trainer, personal hairstylist, personal chef, or personal wine consultant.
7: “Mr. zoomy” Speed. Speed. That’s what this idiot is all about. Nothing, and no one, is ever fast enough for him. Has a preference for super fast road cars, such as Volkswagen GTI’s, and anything with a wind spoiler on the back. Goes 80 in areas posted for 30. Will not stop, for bicyclist, injured pedestrian, or police. Not until car runs out of fuel, or police use “Stop Sticks”. However, has been known to slow down, just long enough to give bicyclists “the finger”. Has a huge collection of car magazines, owns a pair of driving gloves, and the finest radar detector money can buy. Beware of abnormally large ego. Ego is in “inverse proportion” to another body part. (Just use your imagination on that one.)
6: “Donna Big Hair” Preferred vehicle is a late model Camero, which usually belongs to one of several boyfriends. Has spent more on hair products, makeup, and jewelry than the debt of some countries. Species is usually giving more attention to bubble gum she is always chewing and snapping, or cigarette she is smoking, than her driving. Will pass you with inches to spare, while giving you a look of total disgust. Does not consider male cyclists to be “real men”, and hates female cyclists because they are thinner than her. Boyfriend, known as “Tattooed Tony”, is usually employed at nearby gas station, body shop, bookie joint, or “Wise guy” hangout. Donna’s worst fear is that the motor vehicle department might just go ahead with their plan to include some math and basic mechanics on the written test for a license. To quote Donna Big Hair, “Guh-ross!”
5: “Four-Wheel-Frank” Watch for a pickup truck, raised so high off the pavement that you wonder how he gets into it without a ladder. Truck has huge tires, which look like they came from a military truck. This species does not bear any malice toward bicyclists; it’s just that he can’t see us, or really much of anything below five feet. Bottom of truck doors are at cyclist’s face level. Beware of this when passing.
4: “Gary Gear Head” This one has a real hang-up about driving any car that was manufactured after 1974. Prefers sixties “muscle cars” with chrome wheels, massive tires, open exhaust pipes, and the most enormous engine possible. Has spent more on gasoline for the car in one month than you have spent on your last three bikes. (To this species, poor fuel mileage equals “bragging rights”) Favorite scare tactic: Passing you very closely, and gunning engine at least three times. This is meant to intimidate you. It never works. Frequently, a companion of species will be in passenger seat, and will make obscene noises or a comment regarding your masculinity. Species is definitely not a candidate for admission to MENSA.
3. “The Crotch Rocket Rider” You’ve seen them, and tried to figure them out. They ride motorcycles that resemble something from “Star Wars”. These motorcycles apparently are not designed to go less than sixty miles per hour. Engine noise is loud, high-pitched, and induces headaches in most people. Species wears full, over-the-head helmet, but oddly, wears no other protective clothing. During summer weather, species will often be shirtless. The oddest thing about this one is that they never, ever, ride these motorcycles anywhere, other than up and down “the main drag”. Likes to pass bicyclists as fast as he possibly can. Will also gun engine, which has a “Ring-Ring-Ring” sound, while passing. Species sometimes does us all a favor by crashing into cement walls at 100 MPH, thus removing himself from gene pool.
2. “The poor lost soul” The aging Volvo station wagon is a dead giveaway. This one, usually female, is just plain lost, period. Has a habit of starting to make right turn, getting halfway through it, and then abruptly changing her mind. This happens after you have already started to pass. Species is likely to “door” you, if she has just parked, so give her a wide clearance. Will frequently ask you for directions, then gets offended when you really don’t know where the “Middle Eastern Dance Club”, or the local chapter of “Students for Democratic Society” is meeting. Volvo Wagon will sometimes have “George McGovern” bumper stickers, which are cracked and peeling. Species likes what cyclists do for “ecology”, but has not ridden a bike herself since the late ’70s. (Note: “Ten Speed” bicycle from that era is sometimes known to be stashed in species garage, in the toni, white suburbs. If this is the case, the bike will have lots of rust, kinked cables, and dry-rotted tires that have not seen a pump since the Carter administration. Species has never learned to shift bicycle. It is in the same gear it was in, when it left the shop twenty-five years ago. ) Also watch for male of this species, identified by graying beard, balding-but-long hair, and Birkenstocks, worn year-round. Only time male ever drives, is when he is en-route to place of employment, usually a local PBS television station, or local liberal arts college, where he teaches under grad political science. (In his quest to be “politically correct” he uses public transportation.) Male of species is equally as lost as female when driving, however.
1. “The Old Crones” Sorry folks, but this is a reality. One even told me “You punks aren’t supposed to be on the road!” Formerly known as the old codger, the crone has a preference for enormous, old, American made cars. Cadillac’s are the favored ones, but aging Buick Wildcats, Pontiac Bonneville’s, and Ford LTD’s are on the short list. Although the Crone never drives over thirty MPH, they are very dangerous, since to them, you simply should not be there. Nor should parking meters, any kind of small car, or that storefront the Crone drove into last week. Listen for favorite excuse:” The gas pedal stuck!” Species has been known to sometimes give cyclists a “stoplight lecture” about how much he pays in taxes, and that because of this, he is “entitled” to use the road, whereas you are not. This is humorous the first time you hear it, and annoying thereafter. (And how many times have you known a gas pedal to “stick”, anyway?)
Extra! Just added to the list!!!
**Miss White Suburbia** Yep, you knew this was coming. Totally clogging the roads and parking lots of suburbia on Saturday mornings, this species drives her SUV, talks on the cell phone, and keeps the kids (dressed in their soccer uniforms) in line, all at the same time. What she is not doing: Paying any attention to the operation of said SUV, which is the size and weight of an aircraft carrier. To her, you, on a bicycle, are totally invisible, and simply should not be there. Species likes to lecture the kiddies on the importance of “being nice”, but erupts with bug-eyed rage if anyone, or anything, gets in her way, or grabs a shopping mall parking space she was coveting. Oddly enough, species is the very same one that, 20 years ago, was harping constantly on how important gas mileage was. Advice: If you spot one of these approaching from ahead or behind, the best thing to do is simply pull over and bring your bike to a stop. Heck, if possible, pull up on the sidewalk. Relax, have some water, and wait until the SUV has passed and cleared the area.
And there you have it. I know I may have missed a few, but I think I have most of the common types pretty well covered.
Now to quote Steve Jobs, “There’s one more thing”. I have been told numerous times that as a bicyclist, “You should have to pay insurance like everyone else!” I should explain that here in Massachusetts, auto insurance is mandatory. You cannot register a car without it. But Massachusetts’s drivers are very inventive. A favorite technique is to make the first payment to get a license plate. That is the last time the insurance company hears from these clowns. They simply stop paying the bills. Illegal of course, but why should that stop them? “Plate swapping” is also very popular. This is where some knuckle-dragger with a revoked registration uses borrowed plates from a drinking buddy, believing this will fool the police, in the event he does get stopped. It never works, but they keep trying.
So, drivers are miffed because cyclists don’t have to carry insurance? Well now, I wonder why? Could it be because people riding bikes are not the ones causing millions of dollars in property damage each year? Could it be because bicyclists don’t cause an incalculable amount of personal injury, permanent maiming, suffering, and deaths? I wonder if that just might be the reason? Well Duh!
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