Since it is now “Halloween Time”, I have decided to write about something that I think is, in a word, scary. In fact, it’s scaring the hell out of me. What could it possibly be? Windows XP? No, that is annoying for sure, but scary? No. Could it be the “Bad Fad which just won’t go away”, better known as Britney Spears? No, she’s scary, but not that scary. Is it the thought that somewhere, maybe somewhere close by, “The Captain And Tennille” or “The Starland Vocal Band” could be plotting some sort of comeback? Well, that’s really a horrible thought, but no. So what do I find so scary?
No one is making good, cheesy, “Monster Movies” any more!
It’s true. It seems the folks in Hollywood have all-but-forgotten this fine art. I grew up watching and loving Monster movies and many friends and coworkers consider me to be something of an “expert”. (This is to say that I’m the guy they come to with such questions as who was in this movie, of that one, and what was the deal with the thing with the bug-eyes. Hey, it’s a dirty job, but I do it proudly.) There used to be lots of Monster movies being made and shown at any given time, but for some mysterious reason, or reasons, it just isn’t happening much today. Arguably, the last good Monster Movie was “Anaconda”, which played in the summer of 1997.
Now, I have to clarify what I mean by a “Monster Movie”. I’m talking about the type of movie where you sit back, turn off your higher brain functions, and dig into a nice bowl of delicious pop corn, or maybe a very delicious pizza. I’m talking about the type of movie where the acting is, well, lame. The type of movie which stars a cast of unknowns, with maybe one “big name” star, someone who just happened to have a few weeks with nothing to do. ( “Anaconda” had John Voight) I’m talking about the movies where you sit back and play a game in your head called “Spot the Victim”. Most guys know how this works: You pick out the bit-part characters that you just know are going to be toast any minute, sort of like the unnamed guys in the red shirts on “Star Trek, the original series”. (“Oh yeah, the school janitor with beer gut, yup he’s dead. Ha! That Sheriff’s Deputy, the goofy one who keeps staring at the babes boobs, he’s toast! And that scientist’s assistant, who’s secretly, plotting on stealing the scientists work? Yup, he’s a grease spot”.) For whatever reason, women generally do not enjoy playing “Spot the Victim”, alas. For the curious folks out there, I scored 100, playing spot the victim while watching “Anaconda”. And I just knew that the sloppy guy, who was always smoking cigarettes, was first on the Ka-Ka list in “Deep Blue Sea”. I also knew that at some point before that movie ended, the very lovely Saffron Burrows (The hottie with the British accent guys.) would be removing most of her clothing, for whatever reason the writers could yak up. Arguably the best part of “Deep Blue Sea”.
The so-called “Splatter Movies” are not Monster Movies. They may qualify as horror movies, but horror movies are not monster movies. The “Nightmare on Elm Street” series, and the “Friday the 13th” movies, aren’t monster movies, sorry Jason.
No, to have a true “Monster Movie”, you simply must have a Monster. A mutated human is acceptable, especially if he’s a brilliant scientist, who just happened to do something really, really stupid. (“The Fly”) A Monster which is the result of Atomic Radiation is most excellent (“THEM!” and countless others.) Some sort of hideous mass, moving about the countryside and making a very disgusting mess is terrific (“The Blob” of course, and I know some fans will scream blasphemy, but I consider the Chuck Russell remake, released in 1988 and starring Kevin Dillion and Shawnee Smith, to be one of the ultra-rare cases where the remake is better than the original.) The Monsters of some Monster Movies can be nightmarish creatures, or they can be a little more subtle, such as the Vampire in the Roger Corman Classic, “Not of This earth”. (And what was that little umbrella-like creature the bad guy kept in a case? That was nasty. People of the 1950’s really should not have left their windows open. You never could tell what might fly in and drop over your head.)
Perhaps the most important guideline for a “good” monster, is the level of production values. For a monster movie to have credibility with monster movie fans, the special effects, and production quality cannot be top notch. No, like the acting and dialog, the special effects have to have a certain “Cornball quality”. This works especially well if the movie was shot in black and white. A stunt man decked out in a green rubber suit, and smeared with Vaseline, can make a very effective monster, when photographed in filtered, dim light.
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This brings me to the “golden era” of Monster Movies, the late 50’s to mid-60’s. To a young boy growing up, there was nothing better than watching those great, black and white schlockers, many of which looked as though they may have been made in someone’s back yard. A local Television program, called “Fantasmic Features” ran these movies, in the early 1960’s. Ask anyone who was a kid in Boston during this time, and they will probably remember this locally produced show, first running on Monday nights, then later on Saturday. Fantasmic Features was hosted by a robotic dude named “Feep”. Sometimes Feep was a small puppet, and sometimes a man in a suit played him. That man was Ed McDonnell, an icon on Boston television all through the 60’s He was best known as “Major Mudd”, and hosted a kids show on afternoon TV, where he showed cartoons and the stooges, and had the kids play games in the studio. Mr. McDonnell also hosted a program on Saturday afternoon, where he played “Lord BumbleBrook”, and hosted jungle movies. Times changed, and McDonnell left the TV business. (He later died, of complications from Diabetes. He is well remembered though. Thank you Ed! ) I have learned that during this time, almost every major city had such a “Monster Movie” program, hosted by some robotic host as “Feep”, or a “monster-ish” host, such as “Vampira”. Those days are long gone, and it’s a shame, because they were so much fun. I guess it would not work today at all, with generations now being raised by video games, MTV, and brain rot such as “Friends”.
But how good was “Fantasmic Features”? Well, when it comes up in general conversation, someone always mentions that one of the major reasons it was taken off the air was due to parents complaints that “it gave my kids nightmares”. Hmm, somehow, I don’t think it gave any kids nightmares at all. No mom and dad, I think it gave YOU nightmares. Heh-Heh-Heh.
During the early 70’s, a local UHF station ran the timeless “Outer Limits” at 1 P.M, on Saturday’s, followed by a “creature double feature” at 2 PM. What a great way to spend a rainy, cold Saturday afternoon! This is where I saw even more Monster Movies, and was introduced to the Japanese horror movies, which always featured bad English dubbing, and “guy in rubber suit” monsters, who were usually the result of atomic radiation blasts. (And for the record, the American version of “Godzilla”, where our favorite bad boy trashes New York, clearly was not that good. Somehow, fans just could not accept a Godzilla, which looked as though it worked out at Gold’s Gym. Nice try though. )
For whatever reasons, the Japanese horror movies just never clicked with me at all, with the exception of “Attack of the Mushroom People”. (They get shipwrecked, and lacking any food, eat radioactive mushrooms and fungus. This turns out to be a terrible idea, the result being worthy of “E.C. Comics”) No, I prefer good, all-American grade B monster movies. (A few were made overseas, in Italy, and Spain)
I would guess that the present taste in movies is the major reason Hollywood is not producing Monster Movies at the rate they used to. It is young people who frequent movie theaters today. Young males want action movies, with lots of explosions and car chases. Young females want the so-called romantic comedies. In the 1950’s, many Monster Movies were made for the drive-in format. They were kept to around 75 minutes in length, and were perfect for teenaged couples parked at the drive-in. (Yuppies only go to movies which are the latest thing from the latest French Director, and which “make a statement about the human condition” or something like that. In the words of Mad Magazine, “Blecch!” And, a lot of the great ones were made by studio’s which just don’t exist any more.
As I stated already, “Anaconda” was arguably the last really good, true-to-form Monster movie. I didn’t see “Lake Placid”, so I cannot comment on it. “Alien” was a Monster Movie, and a great one at that. Most people don’t know this but the plot for “Alien” was borrowed from a 1950’s Monster Movie called “IT! The Terror From Beyond Space”. “IT!” is actually pretty good. You don’t really get a good look the lizard-like monster until the final few minutes of the movie, and yeah, it’s a guy in a rubber suit. Still pretty good though. One of the very best, and least appreciated of the modern Monster Movies has got to be the 1982 version of “The Thing”, directed by John Carpenter. This is truly a great Monster movie. Heh-heh, I dare you to watch it, while eating spaghetti!
I guess I should mention a “misunderstood” monster movie, and that would be “Starship Troopers”. More of a Monster movie, than a science fiction movie, “Starship Troopers” is, by all means, a “Good”, bad movie. You know it’s bad, but you enjoy it anyway. (and that kid who played “Doogie Howser”, wearing what resembles an S.S. officer’s uniform toward the end of the movie, is hilarious! Some have suggested that there was a political message in “Starship Troopers”, with it’s classic line from an unseen announcer, telling young people that “Service Guarantees citizenship!” but I think this is dubious.)
What is it about shlocky Monster Movies that makes them so endearing? The acting is bad, the dialog is silly, and the special effects are frequently laughable, and yet, there they are, on VHS, DVD, and frequently turning up on Cable TV, and the few remaining independently owned UHF stations. There are websites all over the Internet devoted to them, just any of the popular search engines. I think I know what it is, and the answer is that they are just plain FUN!
So, what are some good solid Monster movies for your Halloween party viewing pleasure? Well, I’ll give you a few. Watch them by yourself, late at night, or watch them with a bunch of “like minded” people. No particular order, and just my own opinions. I do think these are worth checking out. Here goes:
“The Hideous Sun Demon”. Written, produced, and directed by its star, Robert Clarke. This is actually pretty cool. According to a legend about this movie, Clarke, operating on a shoestring budget, employed students from UCLA’s film school for his crew, and only shot on weekends, when the kids were readily available. And with this, he made a great Grade B Monster movie, and the kids got hand-on experience. Win-Win!
“The Fly” The original, which starred David (billed as “Al”) Hedison, who later became “Captain Lee Crane” on Voyage to The Bottom of The Sea.
Why some brilliant scientists insist on doing such stupid things, such as stepping inside untested, unproved teleportation devices, I’ll never know
“Attack of the Giant Leeches”. A Classic, with all the classic ingredients for a good, 1950’s monster movie. Dumb studs and screaming 50’s babes abound. And the Leeches? I could swear they are huge Hefty trash bags, but I could be mistaken.
“Creature from the Black Lagoon”. Forget the sequels, this is the real thing. Originally shot in 3-D, but I have never seen it in 3-D. I don’t know if a 3-D version is available. One can only hope.
“The Brain from Planet Arous”. Hilarious! The version from Elvira’s collection is funny. Watch for the classic line “Get out! Get out!, Get out!” screamed by John Agar.
“I Married A Monster from Outer Space”. Many women seem to think they have, anyway. Silly title, good Monster movie.
“The Cyclops”. Not to be confused with “Doctor Cyclops”, this one features a guy who mutates into a giant, with a pinnacle shaped head, and one huge eyeball. Priceless!
“From Hell It Came”. Hmm, a monster that’s a walking tree? With an evil face painted on it? No scares here, but some serious giggle time, especially if your Halloween party guests have had some liquid refreshments.
“Caltiki, The Immortal Monster”. To my Knowledge, this treasure of a “B” movie has not been released on DVD, and the one VHS release was of questionable quality. Poking about the Internet, I learned that there is apparently some confusion regarding who owns the rights to it. (Nuts!) This is actually a better movie than “The Blob”. Made in Italy, by horror director Mario Bava, It’s the perfect black and white “B” Monster Movie.
“It Conquered the World”. What can you say about a monster that looks like a huge clawed eggplant, with an evil, toothy grin, and glowing eyes? You’ll learn things, while watching this movie. One thing I learned was that Peter Graves is in such great shape, that he can pedal a bike around Los Angeles, in summer heat, while wearing a suit and dress shoes, and not even break a sweat! (The Monster has turned off all electricity, including that which is needed to run automobiles.) It’s amazing!
The End! (Or is it?)
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