It happens to me every year at about this time, and this year, Anno-Domini
XXII, is no exception. I felt it creeping up on me, oh, about mid-February I guess, and now, it is almost March, which is truly the most hateful month of the year, weather-wise, in the Boston area.
March consists of screaming wind, which makes you think you have somehow been mysteriously transported to Venus. But then you remember the science books all tell us that Venus is blasted hot, not cold.
One of my greatest loves, bicycle riding, becomes very labored in March, because no matter which direction I aim myself in, it’s always against the wind. (Explain this, all you Doctor know-it-alls) Things are relatively slow at my place of biz, and everything just seems dead.
That is the reason I am in my lazy time of the year. Doing the laundry actually seems, well, exciting. My writing is no exception. I seem to have hit some sort of “wall”, and I cannot think of anything good. So, I have drummed up this list of things which, for one reason or another, I find totally mystifying. Now, before I begin, let me explain something: One of my favorite local newspaper columnists is a fellow named Mike Barnicle.
Some time ago, he was fired from the Boston Globe, after he was accused of fabricating some facts in some of his columns, and using some quotes from a George Carlin book, without proper attribution. (Personally, I think that what the Boston Globe did to the man stinks like the Park Street subway station on a hot day.) Mr. Barnicle did an occasional column called “Not that it really matters, but……” He would then list a bunch of things that amused or annoyed him.
Well Mr. Barnicle, if, by some strange example of force-majeure, you are reading this, I hereby give you a “salute” and attribution for the idea, and present my own list, which I am calling
Not that I expect anyone to give a darn, but…
“Soap on a rope”: Why?
What’s the deal with these “Aerobics Queens”, who are always bragging about their “Vo2 Max”, their low resting pulses, and calorie counting, yet get all jittery and mean when they can’t get a parking space near the door of the gym? Helloooooo?
Why, in light of mounting evidence that SUV’s handle poorly, roll over easily, and are regarded as a gas-hogging environmental menace, are people still buying them? And is it just me, or are Jeep Cherokee owners the most belligerent of the bunch?
Speaking of which, how many times have you heard the expression “Gas Mileage” used in normal conversation in the past ten years? Remember when people actually considered a car’s gas mileage when buying a new one? We seem to have returned to the All-American tradition of poor fuel economy granting “Bragging rights”.
There should be a federal law against these zipperheads who hold up an entire grocery store line, while writing a check for less than fifteen bucks. (No, there is no defense for it, so don’t try.) Ditto for zipperheads who cannot use the gizmo that approves your credit card. I’ve got an idea: Pay cash! What a concept!
“British Sterling” is still around? I thought it went the way of “Hi Karate”.
Do we really need another “Clay-Mation” TV series, where the characters all have a bad case of “Potty Mouth”? What zipperhead-in-charge approves these?
And isn’t it great that the “South Park” craze seems to be finally gone? Oh fiddlesticks, wonder what will replace it? (It is gone, isn’t it?)
What is the deal with these suburban yuppie parents, so concerned about their children’s development, yet allow them to stay up past 11 PM to watch this crap?
Ralph Lauren’s “Polo” fashions for men: Why?
And why doesn’t Ol’ Ralph have some normal-sized women, over thirty years of age, in his ads? Come to think of it, why don’t they all? (To his Credit, Ralph Lauren does have a reputation for being very decent to his employees, or so I’ve read.)
I wonder if the Las Vegas Honchos have a “line” on when Bill Clinton and “She-who-must-be-obeyed” will rip the sheets? (I’m being generous with that one. )
How much longer will Sears be able to hang on? I’ll really miss the tool department. It’s such a “Guy” place. Pure testosterone, all the way. A place for husbands and boyfriends to go, while the ladies do whatever it is they do at shopping malls. Unless of course, you also like a trip to Radio Shack. (That would be me.)
How about that new “Segway” scooter? Just what we need, another means to keep people from exercising, at even the easiest level. These will be a big hit with the Lincoln Navigator crowd. I’m waiting for someone to ride one right into an open manhole, sort of like something from “The Three Stooges”. Can you say “Lawsuit” boys and girls? I’ll bet you can!
I would like to snap my fingers, and make all the “fast food” outfits on the Massachusetts Turnpike vanish, to be instantly replaced with Howard Johnson’s. Ahh! The turkey dinners, the fantastic hot dogs, the seemingly endless flavors of ice cream. So, what do we have today? I’m not sure, but the popular expression “don’t go there” seems to fit nicely.
Speaking of Radio Shack: it’s just not the same ever since they no stopped keeping the tube testers near the door, and seem more concerned with selling toys than real cool stuff for radio geeks. A lot of you have never even seen a tube tester, have you?
Will someone, anyone tell that “Ally McBeal” lady to eat a pizza? The “Heroin Addict Look” is out.
Even I’m amazed that Britney Spears has held on this long. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t be that surprised.
I think I’ll go into the “Designer Nike Store” on Newbury Street, and ask, in a very serious voice, where they keep the “P.F. Flyers”. For those not aware, Newbury Street is Boston’s very pricey, very fashionable street. I understand a white cotton T-shirt will set you back fifty bucks. There are stores there which are only open “by appointment”. Well, I think I’ll stick with Hanes T-shirts. As for an appointment, how about 6AM Sunday morning?
Ya just gotta hand it that MIT student, who tried to order a pair of custom Nike’s with the word “Sweatshop” stitched on them. His order was refused (But of course).
In the same vein, I’ll take a trip into a “Bread and Circus”, and ask where they keep the Twinkies. Bread and Circus is a yuppie grocery store, which prides itself on it’s selection of Tofu and whole wheat natural breads. I believe that there is a company policy in place which expressly forbids any automobile which is not a Volvo station wagon from being parked in their lots.
On a lighter note “Trader Joe’s” is a very cool grocery store. (Love that Salsa!)
So, there you have it. I’m lazy, and I’m not afraid to admit it. Hope I haven’t bored you too much. But, I felt I owed something to my readers, both of them.
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