Bill

If you are reading the various things on this website, odds are you’re a Macintosh user. And if you are a Mac user, odds are you have a certain “dislike” of Microsoft and a certain William Gates the third. Well, that’s all well and good with me. I’m a Mac user, and big Apple fan. I don’t agree with all Apple’s decisions, but I still love the innovation that is the hallmark of this company. ( The hockey-puck mouse was not a good idea, however. If you own one, I would suggest you replace it, and stash it in a drawer someplace. The hockey-puck mouse will be one of those “collectables” in about twenty years. Ditto for the cube. )

So, what about Microsoft, or as they refer to it on the various Mac sites, “M$”? Well, I think they do produce some decent stuff for the Mac. No really, put those bricks down, they do. Outlook express is a decent e-mail program that is easy to use, and does what I want it to do. Internet Explorer is a fast, efficient browser. ( Not as forgiving of slow connections as Netscape, though, and I always use strong encryption Netscape for on-line shopping. ) And, as any Mac user will admit, sometimes grudgingly, the Mac platform would be in deep doo-doo without that staple of American business, Microsoft office. In fact, in my regular job, I would be unable to do my various duties without it. So, having said that, I must now ask the question that I wanted to ask. And I ask it because I know it has crossed your mind, at least once. The question:

What would you do if you had Bill’s Money?

Think about for a bit. This is something like seventy billion smackeroos we are talking about here.

Enough to buy entire countries. I imagine most people would quit their jobs. I know I would, not because I dislike it, ( In fact, most days it’s a pretty cool job to have.) But because I simply wouldn’t need that source of income anymore. To keep going to work every day, while there is someone who could really use the job, and the income, would be rather silly, yes?

But what else? Well, there are the usual answers I guess: The kids college? Heck, you could buy Harvard and make your kids the only students. Talk about a good teacher to student ratio! If you needed spend a stay in the hospital, you could buy your own. A house? Sure. Why, with Bill’s money, I could actually afford a house in Massachusetts. ( Think that’s an exaggeration? check out the real estate section in any Boston paper.) A really hot set of wheels? Don’t think so. There are already too many cars on the road. ( I’ll write about that another day.) So, what then? How about:

I would find the richest, most exclusive neighborhood I could. I’m talking real snootsville, someplace like Weston, Massachusetts, or Greenwich, Connecticut. I’d buy a really nice luxury house there, Then let a large group of homeless people from “the inner city” live there, rent free. Any law that says you cannot do this? I think not. Then I’d just sit back, and watch the fur fly. It could get very interesting, very quickly.

Put Johnnie Cochran on retainer. Why? Because I’ve got Bill’s money, and “I can.”

Get a bunch of bag ladies together. Give them each a gold American Express card. Turn them loose in the snootiest, most arrogant department store around.

Buy the Home Depot corporation. Shut it down. Raze all the store’s and the monster parking lots that go with them, and replace them with open park land. Bring back neighborhood hardware stores.

Ditto for Circuit city, and their cousin, Best Buy. Bring back the neighborhood electronics store.

Buy a membership at that country club on Nantucket where General Electric CEO Jack Welch plays. Follow him on the golf course and stare at him with a “stone killer” stare, while wearing a T-shirt that reads” I was laid off by GE”. ( Personal note here: I was, in fact laid off by GE in 1991.) Oh, uh, remember, I’ve got Bill’s money. Maybe I would just buy the club and make a new rule, something like “CEO’s must wear pink tu-tu’s and clown makeup while on the golf course. Oh, I don’t play golf, and the only way I would ever play it, would be if I could somehow play with Larry, Moe, and Curly. ( Most men will understand that. Most women never will. )

Former President Bill Clinton has also been known to play on this course. He could continue to do so, but he would be required to wear a full wet suit and flippers. ( I feel his pain. )

I would buy CBS, and bring back “Doctor Quinn”, “Martial Law,” and the just cancelled “The Fugitive.” The programming zipperheads who ordered these shows axed? Fired. I would re-run “The Twilight Zone” every night.

Once and for all, I would use all the power that Bill’s money could muster, and make Barbara Streisand shut up. ( Bill’s money might not be enough! )

Ditto for Rosie O’Donnell. Can you imagine a superior alien intelligence, deep in space, receiving these broadcasts? It’s a wonder they haven’t destroyed us already, with some sort of super-dooper death ray.

Buy a shopping mall. Make a new rule: All shoppers must be in the nude while in the mall. Heh. That could get interesting really fast. Don’t think there would be many customers at the food court though. Hey, I think I just solved the growing problem of obesity in this country.

And if I had Bill’s money, I would offer to buy some public schools new computers and network systems, provided they use Macs. Wonder if that would make the bean counters stop that whiney nonsense about “PC’s being cheaper?” They obviously have no idea how many one-hundred-grand per year consultants it takes to keep a network of PC’s operating. Or maybe they do. (Veiled reference to a conspiracy theory of mine.)

Finally, if I had Bill’s money, I would do some humanitarian things, too numerous to list here. Let’s just say that doctors and researchers who are struggling to come up with cures for AIDS, cancer and other things would suddenly find their efforts very well-funded.And that’s that.

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Bruce Black