This month catches me without a story to tell. Of course I could have composed a fictitious yarn replete with intrigue and adventure about some non-human life form that decided to take up residence inside my Performa and slowly but methodically took over my mind. But alas, that sort of prevarication is not what the half-dozen or so regular readers of Miner Thoughts have come to expect from me. No, you read my column because what you learn here gives you that extra edge when dealing with today’s computerized society. You rely on me to give you those little tidbits of information that will always keep you one step ahead of that ever present, self-proclaimed computer guru in your workplace. And hey, I’m happy to oblige.
Today you will learn the definitions of 50 of those sometimes pesky and hard to understand computer terms that we all too often trip over. So sit back, relax, and scroll your way through an education you couldn’t get anywhere else.
Balloon Help: When used properly can prevent venereal disease.
Semiconductor: Truck driver.
Internet: A confusing place to be.
World Wide Web: An organized, animated, colorful confusing place to be.
Archie: Carroll O’Connor’s stage name in All In The Family.
Hacker: Long time smoker that makes disgusting sounds.
Drag and Drop: What we guys do when our wives ask us to help rearrange the living room furniture.
Pre-emptive multi-tasking: If you can walk and chew gum at the same time without having to think about it, you’re already doing this.
Disk cache: Pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters.
Backup: All computers are different, but once you figure out how to put yours into reverse, you can do this.
Ethernet: Device used off the southern coast of Australia to catch the elusive Etherfish.
EtherTalk: Language spoken by Australian fishermen to attract Etherfish.
Chooser: The person who gets to pick it.
Finder: The person who gets to keep it.
SCSI (Scuzzy) port: Inferior grade of wine, e.g. Muscatel, Ripple, Mad Dog.
Apple Guide: A long wooden tray with sides, used by apple pickers to collect their fruit from the tops of trees.
Interface: Your skull.
QuickDraw: McGraw’s first name.
Modem port: Coastal area where modems take refuge during bad storms.
Mouse pad: Where mice are launched.
Virtual memory: Something none of us has enough of.
RAM: Dodge pickup.
Disk First Aid: Available at your local chiropractor.
Megabytes: How we eat when we’re in a hurry.
Hot Link: You can get one with a Coke for $1.50 outside any COSTCO, ball park or stadium.
HTML (Hotmetal): What happens to my brake drums when I come down a hill too fast.
Cursor: Foul-mouthed person.
Spreadsheet: Need to do this before making the bed.
Word 6.0: Slowest moving object known to man.
Bill Gates: God, in some religions.
ClarisWorks: So do the rest of us.
Database: Where data comes in for a landing.
Font: A receptacle for holy water.
Fuzzy logic: How we think at 2:00 AM after the bars close.
Binary: A two star solar system.
PC Exchange. What one does when he finally realizes he should have bought a Mac.
Bit: Past tense of bite.
Webmaster: The spider that wears the pants in the family. Usually the female.
Icon: Bill Gates.
IP: We all do.
Laptop: Area just below Bob (Big ol’ belly).
Browser: Someone who’s just looking.
Compiler: Collector of stuff.
Cyberspace: Where the Cyberians live.
Crash: What one does when they can’t stay awake any longer.
Silicon: A non-metallic element occurring extensively in the earth’s crust in silica and silicates, having both an amorphous and a crystalline allotrope, and used doped or in combination with other materials in glass, semiconducting devices, concrete, brick, refractories, pottery, and silicones. Atomic number 14; atomic weight 28.086; melting point 1,410°C; boiling point 2,355°C; specific gravity 2.33; valence 4.
Internet Explorer: A computer virus.
Floppy drive: Male libido with problems.
Hard drive: Problem solved.
Insertion point: Don’t think I’ll go there!
Feel free to use this glossary to impress friends with your vast knowledge of computer terminology. If for some reason you would like a complete academic glossary of computer terms, I have stolen a list containing hundreds of definitions from the Internet and have compiled it into an easy to use A to Z DOCMaker file. Just email me and it’s yours.
Pete Miner
pete@mymac.com
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