Deux Ex Machina

“Is there a God?” I asked my Mac.
I’ve asked priests and preachers, rabbis and rabble-rousers, but I’m
still confused. So, apparently, is the computer.

I was putting on a new grammar checker, asking what I always ask.
The answers were more inscrutable than enlightening.
‘Is there a God?’ I typed.

 

*The verb does not agree with the subject. Try ‘are’ instead.*Are? Surely not. It’s been a long time since English One and things
change, but ‘are’? I gave it another shot. The checker wouldn’t budge.

OK. Have it your way. ‘Are there a God?’. It looked awkward, but this thing was presumably compiled by experts.

 

*The verb does not agree with the subject. Try ‘Gods’ instead.*”Ye Gods!” I said. “I only want one. One’s hard enough to come to grips with. Are these people pantheists?” With some trepidation, I wrote, ‘Are there a Gods?’

 

*This sentence does not seem to contain a main clause.*”What do you mean, no main clause!” I shook my finger at the screen.
“God! God is the main clause. Probably even the main cause. In this case, of course, God is actually the subject (except that we are all His subjects) and … and …

And never argue with a computer. Especially about religion. I love my Mac. My Mac is my friend and companion. It’s unlocked doors I never dreamed of and I’d be bereft without it. No other machine fills the void like my Mac.

Still, even the Mac has delusions of omnipotence. Mess up a little –
misspell, mistype, misclick – and the Mac prevails. No arguing. No
rationalizations. No excuses.

But, what could I do? I really wanted an answer. So I tried once more
without much hope. ‘Is there a Gods?’ I wrote. I was right to be wary.

 

*This does not appear to be a complete sentence.*Really! Check it out. Subject and Verb. Hardly the way Ms. Poole
(English One) would have liked, but complete all the same. Certainly more complete than my usual sentences. Why else invest in a grammar guru?

I was fast running out of alternatives. This thing wasn’t even
satisfied with its own suggestions. Maybe, I mused, it might be attuned more to simple declaratives. So I wrote ‘There are a God?’ Question mark and all. That ought to set off some bells.

Bingo! No suggestions. Only a blank box. Either I had found Nirvana or it had nothing more to say on the subject of divinity.
So, ‘There are a God’ was now state of the art. Maybe even the state of the universe. Ms. Poole would not be pleased.

 

Suddenly I heard a whisper. I think it was ‘Fred’.
There is a God,
The whisper said.
God is Mac.
God is Dead.
The Mac? Dead! For a moment I was stunned. My world was over. My grief complete. And then I sighed. What a relief! Have you ever known a grammar checker that could tell Apples from Microsauce?

*****
Note:
This is spooky with the verse done in ‘Whisper’. ‘Fred’ is on the tame side for a religious revelation. (Fred in Voices)

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Susan Howerter (susan@mymac.com)