Beta Car Part 2

(With help from Russ Walkowich)

Tim Robertson was sure that he knew just the car he would spend his hard earned dollars on when he made the trip to the local car dealership. Until, that is, he met Randy, the hygiene-challenged car salesman. It was Randy (last name omitted to protect his family) that told Tim about the dealership’s participation in the Beta Car project. Being the opportunistic type of person that he is, Tim jumped at the chance to get his hands on the free Beta Car.

Tim was regrettably unable to write this piece, due in part to his Beta Car experience. Fortunately, Tim left a ledger of his experience with the Beta Car in the glove box. It’s from this ledger that we pick up from where Tim left off in the last issue.Any similarity between this story and the use of ‘beta’ (pre-release) software is strictly intentional.

11/18/96

11:00 P.M.
First problem. When I came to an abrupt stop, the airbag inflated. No big deal, but I did have to cut it off the steering wheel.

11:30 P.M.
Glad it’s my day off. Next problem, the seatbelt keeps cutting off the circulation to my legs. The stupid thing keeps getting tighter and tighter the longer I wear it. I have decided not to wear the seatbelt.

12:00 P.M.
I got a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt.

1:00 P.M.
I put the car in drive and it goes into reverse. Put the car in reverse, and it goes forward. I proceed to call Randy, who tells me to restart the car and try it again. Must have been something I did because it works fine now once I restarted.

1:30 P.M.
Car stalled as soon as it started raining. Used the cellular phone the dealership gave me to call the manufacturer. They said they were aware of the problem, and that I should try restarting a few times once it stops raining.

1:35 P.M.
Car started once the rain ended. Now the brakes don’t work very well.

2:25 P.M.
I got another ticket for running a stop sign. When the police officer stopped me, he said I had failed to stop. Being in the bad mood I was in, I decided to argue. I told him that I slowed down. He said that it’s not the same thing. I said yes, it is. He then dragged me out of the car and proceeded to try and arrest me. Trying not to get arrested, I kept yelling “Stop!” and he asked “Do you want me to stop or slow down?” I decided not to fight this ticket.

3:07 P.M.
The nurse says the bruising will go away after a few days. When I got back into the car, I found the car would not go into reverse. I had to push it. The parking lot is on a slight hill you would never notice if you weren’t trying to push a car.

3:55 P.M.
The same nurse said I will need to wear the cast for at least six months. At least the car wasn’t so heavy that the nice old lady parked next to me couldn’t move it. And carry me back into the hospital!

4:10 P.M.
The car ran out of gas. Meter Gauge reads almost full. So I take my crutches and hobble down to the nearest gas station, about two miles away.

5:15 P.M.
After I get back to where my Beta car was, I find that it’s missing. I ask to use a phone at a nearby house and I call the police. They come, and cite me for parking in a tow away zone, even though the car is not there and has been stolen.

6:00 P.M.
I made it home via a taxi cab, and found a message on my answering machine. It was my insurance company, informing me that the car was found, and that the thieves who stole it are in the hospital. I am also told that the car has been totaled.

6:10 P.M.
My lawyer calls and tells me that I am being sued for neglect. Seems the three car thieves ran three red lights due to brake failure before finally hit a Burger Queen. The three car thieves are suing me for neglect.

6:25 P.M.
My lawyer calls again to tell me that Burger Queen is also suing me for damage done to the restaurant.

6:35 P.M.
My insurance company calls again to inform me that they will be dropping my policy, claiming I’m a high risk case.

6:45 P.M.
The car manufacturer calls to ask how the car is doing. When I tell them what has happened and that it’s all their fault, their response was that they aren’t responsible at all. “What do you mean, you’re not responsible!” I yell at them. “Remember the paperwork you signed for the salesman before you took custody of the Beta Car? That paperwork told you that no matter what happens, we are not responsible. After all, it is a Beta Car! What did you expect to get for free?”

11/19/96

8:00 A.M.
My lawyer tells me that I can beat the charges if I plead insanity. He also tells me that it took three hours for the doctors to remove the crutch from Randy’s person. Doctors also said they had no idea a human body could completely conceal such a long object like my crutch.