Miner Thoughts
The Interview

This Pete Miner interview was conducted by Pete Miner. Parts of the interview took place on Interstate 5 between Sacramento, Ca. and Seattle, Wa. Other parts of the interview took place in the wee hours of the morning while staring at his computer screen wondering when he would start seeing things that weren’t there.

What’s so special about this interview is the number of people involved. One.

I have two reasons for interviewing myself:

1) What better way is there to make yourself look really good? I’m talking Albert Einstein good! Think about it. I control the questions, and the answers. How could I possibly look bad?

2) In this style of interview I not only give you the spoken word but also the thoughts of the interviewer and the interviewee. (Thoughts are denoted by italics.) –Isn’t that right, Russ?– I’m sorry, that Russ remark was just a little in-house humor having to do with some italicized words of mine in a previous article that inadvertently got left on the cutting room floor, so to speak! (Ed. note-It was an accident,(a word processing program having major problems) an apology was given, but Peter will not forget) 🙁

In order to avoid confusion, Peter (My wife’s husband) will be the interviewer and Pete (My wife’s husband to everyone else) will be the interviewee. I would really like some feedback from you on this one. I’ll be standing by at pminer@wolfenet.com in anticipation.

The Interview

Peter: Mr. Miner, I want to take this opportunity to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to do this interview.

Pete: My pleasure, happy to do it. And please, call me Pete.

Peter: Thank you Pete. And if I may blow my own horn here for just a second and remind our readers that you don’t normally grant interviews, but you agreed to do this interview with me the first day I contacted you with the request. “May I ask first, why is it you don’t normally grant interviews? And second, why you agreed to be interviewed by me?”

Pete: That’s easy. No one ever asked me to do an interview before. Except, of course, my daughter Lindsey. That had something to do with a 4th grade social studies project. She said I was the best interview in her class. So you see, I’m no rookie at this interviewing stuff. What I’m saying is, don’t try to throw any trick questions at me here, I’m too sharp and can spot those a mile away. As for your second question, I look at it like this; Interviewing yourself is kind of like St. Peter getting to interview himself at the “pearly gates” to see if he qualifies for admittance. If you get my meaning?

Peter: Uh, yes I do, I think. Lets move on. “Do you consider yourself a computer expert, Pete?”

Pete: Is this a trick question?

Peter: “No, not at all.”

Pete: Oh, okay. I just thought I saw one coming. In that case then, yes I do consider myself a computer expert.

Peter: “And how long have you been involved in the computer field?”

Pete: Seventeen, no, make that eighteen months.

Peter: “You mean years, don’t you?”

Pete: Let me check my notes.—pause— Nope, I said months, weren’t you listening?

Peter: I was, but I just thought…………. never mind! “How can you consider yourself a computer expert after only eighteen months, when most ‘computer experts’ spend years in school and many more years working in the computer industry before they are considered experts?”

Pete: Really? Mmmm! I must be a fast learner.

Peter: You must be! Here’s a question I’m sure a lot of the programming techies reading this would like to ask you. “What computer language do you use when programming?”

Pete: (Oh boy! I like these easy questions!) Well Peter, I’ve never been very good with foreign languages, so I pretty much stick to English.

Peter: “Oh! Ha, ha! That’s a good one Pete. What I meant of course was, what “programming” language do you use? As in, Basic, Pascal, C, C++?”

Pete: (Did I miss something? Was that a trick question? Pascal? C? C++? What the hell’s he talking about?) Basic, Peter. I’ll stick to my first answer, I use basic English. Can we move on?

Peter:(Maybe that’s just not his forte. He’s right, I’d better get off this subject before he makes us both look like fools!) Okay then, next question. “”What part of computing do you enjoy the most, Pete?”

Pete: Freeware.

Peter: “Uh, could you elaborate?”

Pete: Sure. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always loved getting free stuff. So when I discovered the Internet on my computer and found all that stuff labeled “Freeware” floating around out there in cyberspace, I went nuts! I’d never seen so much free stuff in one place before! I still haven’t found the end of the freeware rainbow, and I download free stuff for hours at a time when I’m home. It’s like being in hog heaven I tell ya!

Peter: Yes, “Hog heaven. How marvelous. (I’m not even going to think about chasing down that road!) Can you tell us the names of some of this “Freeware?” Maybe tell us where the rest of us can get it? Maybe give us a title or two that you found very useful?”

Pete: Nope. I sure can’t.

Peter: (What the hells that mean?) “Why can’t you, Pete?”

Pete: ‘Cause I never read the names on the stuff. I look for the word “Freeware.” I download whatever I catch when I’m out trolling in cybertown during my freeware fishing expeditions, stack it all up on my desktop for a few weeks and then trash it.

Peter: “You don’t use any of the software? Let’s see if I’ve got this straight, you connect to the Internet, go looking for software, download a bunch of it, never even use any of it, and then delete it from your computer. Am I missing something here?”

Pete: Yes, you are, you’re missing the word Freeware, I download Freeware not software. If I downloaded software, I might feel compelled to do something else with it. Although I don’t know what that would be. By downloading freeware, I don’t feel compelled to do anything with it, after all it was free, didn’t cost me a plug nickel. So if I want to stuff freeware up my computer’s…… chips, till they’re overflowing, and then drag them one by one to the trash can, fill it, and then sit there and watch as 800 MB of Freeware gets emptied to the ML, I can do it knowing there is an unlimited supply. That’s why I like Free Stuff so much. I can throw it away, loose it, blow it up, do anything I want with it, because hey, it’s free, I have nothing invested in it, and there’s plenty more of it out there.

Peter:”You’re a crackup Pete! For a second there you really had me going!” (God! I hope he was just trying to be funny. I’d hate to think……, no, that’s not possible.) “All joking aside Pete. You must remember the name of at least one piece of software that you really like to use. Something perhaps you couldn’t picture using your computer without?”

Pete: (There he goes again calling it software. He must not be listening to what I’m saying. And what was that remark about being a crack up? What’s so funny to him?) You did it again Peter. It’s Freeware! Not, software, not silverware, not underwear. You can remember that can’t you? And as far as something I couldn’t live without on my computer? Yes, I guess there is one piece of “FREEWARE” that is so much a part of my everyday life that it just slipped my mind. The actual name of it I believe is “Reset It.” I’ve been calling it by a different name for so long I’m surprised I remembered its given name.

Peter: “Ha! ha, sorry Pete, Freeware it is. Now you wouldn’t be thinking of Apple’s freeware resource editor called ResEdit, would you?”

Pete: Well I don’t know anything about no resource editor but that sounds like it could be the name. As I stated, I gave it my own name and have been calling it that for over a year.

Peter: “And what name did you give it Pete?”

Pete: I just call it my jack-in-the-box.

Peter: ( Bingo! I was afraid that’s what I had here. A 100% Certifiable Blithering Idiot! Oh well, nothing I can do about it now except ride it out.)” Oh yes, I’m sure we’re talking about the same software, oops, sorry Pete, freeware, ResEdit. So, you like to get inside the ol’ Mac and tinker around with its resources hey? Or do you just use it (snicker! snicker!) when you write your own programs in, aah, what was that you write in? Basic English wasn’t it?” (Oh ya, he’s a real expert! all right!)

Pete: (Why’s he got that little grin on his face? What’s so damn funny here?) Like I said, I don’t know anything about resource stuff, and no, I don’t use jack-in-the-box to write anything with, programs or otherwise.

Peter: “If that’s the case, what good is it to you, why even have it?” (I’ll bet this is a good one!)

Pete: Because my T.V.’s broke.

Peter: “Huh?”

Pete: You see, about a year ago my television got in the way of an airborne potted plant that I was supposed to be watering and making sure it was getting enough sun every day while the Mrs. was away from home visiting her sick mother for an extended period of time. Two days after the Mrs. left, I was getting my jacket out of the hall closet because it was still a little chilly outside and I had to take that potted plant out to the patio so it could get its fair share of late afternoon sunshine for the day, but when I was in the hall closet with the potted plant in my right hand and jacket in the other, the telephone rang, so I put that little potted plant down on the same shelf that the Mrs. stores all the clean bathroom towels that get used in the bathroom just down the hall, but because the shelf was so full of towels I had to push the potted plant up against the towels and kind of squish the towels so the potted plant would fit on the edge of the shelf. I told the plant that I’d be right back, which was dumb, I know, but that’s what I said. I closed the closet door because you can’t get down the hall when it’s open. I don’t know if it was the door closing or the towels unsquishing themselves, maybe both, but the potted plant fell off the shelf and landed right in the bottom of the umbrella stand. It was Clifford on the telephone and I hadn’t talked to Clifford in a long time so we had a very nice chat catching up on what he had been up to and visa versa. I told him where the Mrs. was and he conveyed his “sorry to hear that” concern about her mother. I asked Clifford if he wanted to come over and watch the game with me. He said yes and we said goodbye. After I hung up I realized I had no adult beverages in the house, so with jacket in hand I drove to the store to buy some. One day after the Mrs. returned home from her month long stay at her now recuperated mother, she was going to go to the store to resupply the cupboards with something other than macaroni and cheese and frozen pizza’s. I told her she better take her umbrella because the sky looked pretty threatening. Were it not for my exceptional peripheral vision I would never have seen that potted plant missile just in time to duck. The television did not duck and as a result has a potted plant sticking out of its broken picture tube, Not much growing going on in the pot though. So what I do now for animated entertainment is start up ol’ jack-in-the-box, mouse it a couple times till I get to his splash screen and sit for hours watching him pop up out of the top of that little T.V. Every bit as entertaining as Phil and Oprah. That’s why I have jack-in-the-box on my computer, is that so difficult to understand?

Peter: Your kidding, right? No, you’re not kidding, I can see it in that blank look on your face. Okay, let’s try this.

Peter: Do you do much net surfing?

Pete: Yes, quite a lot in fact.

Peter: Can you tell us non-surfers what and where some of your favorite web sites are, and maybe name one or two really useful sites?

Pete: Sure. Favorite sites will differ according to each individuals personal taste. What’s interesting to me may be boring to you.(Kindda like us, I’m interesting and you Peter are boring, with a capitol B.) However, three web sites do stick out in my mind that should be of interest to anyone who uses a Macintosh computer. The first one has this neat little rocket ship that moves across the page obscuring anything you might be trying to read, but that’s okay with me cause I only visit the site to watch the rocket ship. This next one is comprised of dozens of pages and each page is a different color. I can’t recall what is written on the pages but they sure are pretty. Finally, there’s the one that has a little picture of Albert Einstein at the top of the page and every few seconds he sticks his tongue out. The nice thing about this page is that it’s not cluttered up with anything else. No writing, no nothing. It’s just you and Albert one-on-one. That’s my favorite of the three. As for really useful sites? Well, I’m still trying to find one of those.

Peter: “Tell us how to get to these three favorite web sites of yours if you would please, so the rest of us can surf on over there and be dazzled by this wondrous display of color and animation.”(Yeah, right!)

Pete: Now before you fly off the handle and start having one of your little snippy fits when I tell you I have no idea how to get to these web sites. Just remember that on the WWW, excitement is had through exploration and discovery. In other words, finding a web page that you like through bumbling, stumbling and linking mindlessly from one crummy site to the next until you accidentally find that little pearl of a web page that so strikes your fancy you start calling it your own, is all part of the excitement of the Web. (In still other words. Go find your own web site. I had to. And leave mine the hell alone!)

Peter: Enough said about the web. (I think I’m getting a migraine.) Let me ask you this Pete. “I’ve read some of your articles, and you seem to hammer on the whole Win/DOS/PC/UNIX environment pretty hard. You make it quite clear that you would just as soon use pencil and paper, poster board and crayons and hand drawn spread sheets and data sheets, rather than be forced to use a PC machine. Do you really dislike the PC platform that much?”

Pete: (No you dummy, I only use the Mac because Guy Kawasaki holds a gun to my head every morning, threatening to pull the trigger if I don’t .) Heck no, Peter. I just really like the Macintosh platform that much.

Peter: “What specifically is it about the Mac, in your opinion, that makes it better than the PC?”

Pete: I don’t know.

Peter: “Excuse me?”

Pete: I said, I don’t know. I’ve never used a PC.

Peter: (This man is insane, and yes that is a migraine I feel coming on!) ” If you’ve never used a PC, how can you continue to write these scathing articles that bash the whole PC environment when you don’t even have a clue about the capabilities of the PC platform? Heck, if you were to use a PC for a while, you might come to find that you actually like the PC better than the Mac. Did you ever give that a thought? Huh?

Pete: Yeah, I’ve given it some thought. How much thought? I’d say somewhere between not much and none! That’s enough I think. Look Shirley, think of it like this, okay? It’s really simple; You don’t have to drive a Geo Metro to know you’d much rather be behind the wheel of a BMW or a Cadillac, right? Next question please?

Peter: “Okay, forget about the PC and tell us what you can do with your Mac that makes you believe you’re an expert.”

Pete: Sure. I once spilled half a bowl of soggy corn flakes and milk on my keyboard.

Peter: “How on earth does that qualify you as an expert?”

Pete: After the milk and corn flakes started to set up, you know, like cement does, the keys started sticking, so I just took that slimy sticky keyboard apart and fixed it myself, just like an expert.

Peter: Wait a minute! There’s a section right in the Macintosh manual that describes what to do if you spill certain liquids into your keyboard. You can’t take credit for that!”

Pete: For your information Shirley, I read that section of the manual, and it say’s nothing about soggy corn flakes. I had to figure that one out myself. By the way, did you know that if a soggy corn flake gets underneath the A and S keys and is left to dry for two or three days, you can type the word “ass” just by hitting the “A” key? I suspect this is how Riccardo Ettore came up with the idea for his “TypeIt4Me” program.

Peter: (Arrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhh! Why is he calling me Shirley? This has got to end. I’m gonna keep it simple and low key from here on out. I’m gonna fire off these last few questions at him as fast as I can and hope he has equally fast answers.) “Are you working on anything right now that you’d care to share with us?”

Pete: Actually, I have three projects in the works at the moment. One is my search for the Macintosh Landfill, ML for short. Another is; I’m trying to figure out just how much more a full floppy disk weighs as opposed to an empty one. And finally; I’m trying to find out where the rest of a window goes when I drag it’s title bar to the bottom of my screen. These three things are keeping me wicked busy as I’m sure you can imagine.

Peter: (Don’t ask! Don’t ask! Move on to the next question if you know what’s good for you! I know I should but I can’t, I have to know if that’s what he really said.) “Macintosh Landfill? Did you say Macintosh Landfill?

Pete: Ah, let me check my notes. –pause– Yes, that’s what I said all right [Showing Peter his notes.] See right here, it says Macintosh Landfill. You must have been listening real good that time.

Peter: (Don’t, don’t,don’t! Sorry I’ve got to.) What on earth is the Macintosh Landfill? Or do we even want to know?

Pete: Are you kidding? I think everybody knows about the Macintosh Landfill but are just keeping it hush-hush in the hopes of being the first to find it. As for myself, I don’t have a problem with telling you or any of the readers what the Macintosh Landfill is. After all, I’m going to be the first one to discover it anyway, what with all the planning and research I’ve already put into this thing. But if someone else happens to stumble on to it after I find it; Hey, I’m a sharing kind of guy.

Peter: (Could he really be on to something big? Might this poor excuse of an interview be saved with some big breaking news of Apples destruction of the environment through some hideous secret landfill they might be operating? Or is “Macintosh Landfill” a code name for some next generation type of artificial intelligence, able to perform tasks that we couldn’t even dream about a few months ago?) Tell me! Tell me, Pete! Tell the world in fact! What is the “Macintosh Landfill?”

Pete: I was just about to tell you, but you looked like you were thinking about something Peter. Are you back with us now? Can I continue?

Peter: Yes! Yes! By all means, please continue.

Pete: (I wonder what the hell he got so excited about all of a sudden? We must be getting near the end of the interview. He probably has a date with a wild woman as soon as we’re finished here. Control yourself man, she’ll wait!) Okay then. Think of the millions of Macintosh machines that get used every day around this planet. Think of the amount of stuff that gets put into the trash cans on all these Macintosh desktops. Think about how many times these same trash cans get emptied every day. I happen to have a very reliable source on the inside of a certain building in Cupertino Ca. who has told me that all the stuff that gets emptied from Macintosh trash cans around the world, ends up in one place. Yep! It’s true. I call it “The Mother Of All Macintosh Cornucopia Collections Of Software And Other Neat Stuff.” Or if you like,”TMOAMCCOSAONS.”

I know it’s out there somewhere. And when I find it –and mark my word, I will find it!– just think of all the free stuff that will be piled up! How much of it you wonder? Well, I can’t be certain, but I’d be willing to bet it’s approaching 1 googolbyte worth of stuff. A “googol” being the highest number there is if I remember correctly. Which ain’t really true because numbers, just like outer space can go on to infinity. Which ain’t true either because when you got to infinity, you could always add one more number which would put you beyond it and you’d have to call it something else, like maybe outfinity. But that’s neither here nor there. I think you can appreciate the scale and magnitude of which I’m talking. If not, just picture a whole bunch of stuff laying around in a “TMOAMCCOSAONS.” All of it free to whoever finds it first. That would be me. My name’s written all over that free stuff, I can feel it. Did I tell you I liked free stuff? I wonder how many Zip drive cartridges I will need to collect it all. Oh well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Does that answer your question Peter?

Peter: (Arrrrrrrgg! That’s it. I’ve had enough! I’m gonna kill him! No wait, if I do that, I’ll be dead too. Let’s not be making those hasty decisions! I know, I’ll just put this interview through the shredder and tell My Mac I don’t have anything for them this month. Ya, that’s it, that’s the ticket! No wait! I can’t do that, even though it’s not worth the price of a roll of toilet paper. I have a better idea how I can reap my revenge on this fool. I’ll just have to see to it that it does get published! This guy is about 18 bricks shy of a 20 brick barbecue pit. He knows absolutely nothing about computers! If I can get this into e-print, he’ll be exposed to all who read it as the slanderous, fraudulent, fake he really is! Serve him right, the idiot! That’s what I’ll do, that’s the ticket! Now just end this thing and get out of here.) “That’s truly amazing Pete, and on behalf of My Mac Productions I want to thank you for this, uh, most unusual interview.”

Pete: That’s it? No more questions? Don’t you want to hear about the book I’m writing? It’s called “1001Uses for those Online Service CD-ROM’s you get in the Mail.”

Peter: “Maybe next time, Pete. We’re out of time. Thanks again.”

Pete: (Humphh! That ended quick! He wasn’t a very good interviewer. If it hadn’t been for my quick and witty answers, this whole interview would have bombed! I hope he appreciates me saving his butt on this one!)

Next month I won’t have anything to say. How do I know that? Easy, I already have it written. So I hope you spare me a few minutes in August to read what I don’t have to say. And I promise it won’t be anywhere near as long as this was.

This month I have a special request of all My Mac readers who are American citizens. While enjoying your 4th of July picnic and fireworks display, please don’t let this day slip by without at least a whispered, “Thank you” to all the men and women who paid the ultimate price to gain the Independence of our beloved United States of America, exactly two hundred and twenty years ago. Freedom may be expensive. But nothing in this whole world tastes as wonderful as Freedom does. And we as Americans are lucky enough to be among a very small minority on this planet who get to sip from that cup every day. Let us all have the courage to see that the cup stays full for our future generations. Pete Miner likes free stuff but he loves Freedom. Happy Independence Day America!