The Late, Late, Late Show on network television. What a trip that is, huh? They give us 3 minutes of movie for every 12 minutes of screaming, phone-number flashing, idiotic commercials. Don’t get me wrong. I agree with the concept of selling air time to advertisers in order to give us free programing. But when I can’t remember what the movie’s about from one commercial to the next, I think they’ve gone too far!
Like most of you readers, “Out of sight-out of mind”, does not hold true when referring to our Macintosh’s. If we’re not using it, we’re thinking about it. Come on, admit it, I did! So, with that in mind, you’ll understand where I came up with the following prophecy while watching a late night rerun of “The African Queen”. Or more precisely, I was watching commercials for “Ginsu Knives”, ” Slice and Dice” and “The Salad Shooter”. Which were interrupted by short snippets of “The African Queen”.
As competition increases and profits decrease in the personal computer market, it’s only a matter of time before we’ll be viewing late night commercials that will go something like this.
Way to happy sounding female voiced announcer: We will return to our feature presentation of “The African Queen” starring Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn, after this brief commercial message!
Deep voiced huckster: Are you a first time computer shopper? Do computer’s intimidate you? Do you want to buy a computer but don’t feel you know enough about them to ask the right questions? Are you worried that the questions you might ask will result in snickering and giggling? Do you wish you could buy the perfect computer, without having to deal with a sleazy think they know it all, look down their noses at you, computer salesperson? Well, wish no more! This is the place! Just sit back, have your credit card handy and listen to the following commercial:
A different deep voiced huckster: This commercial is brought to you by the good folks at, “Plug It In And Watch It Do It’s Thing”, makers of the world famous “Slice and Chop” and other fine home appliance’s.
Fast talking, overly excited, has-been actor (Henceforth, referred to as, Has-been actor): All you need to know about a personal computer before making a purchase is that it can store vast amounts of information that otherwise would take up a whole lot of room if it were printed on actual paper. A computer can access that vast amount of information and find what you’re looking for in the blink of an eye. Okay, maybe two blinks! Still, a lot faster than having to look through all that paper for a document that you know is there, but can’t remember exactly where you put it. That’s it! No more! This is all you need to know! We here at “Plug It In And Watch It Do It’s Thing”, have done all the other research you may think is necessary in order to buy the perfect computer. In fact, that’s what we’ve named this exciting new piece of machinery. “The Perfect Computer”.
The question you should be asking yourself now is, “Am I willing to spend $1,995.00 for a machine that stores and accesses information as described above?” After watching this commercial your answer will be, “Yes, I want that “Perfect Computer”.
Deep voiced huckster: Before we give you our phone number. Listen further!
Has-been actor: You not only get all this storage and access capability but, for the same amazingly low price of $1,995.00 you also get a 15 inch monitor! What’s a monitor I hear some of you asking! Just a fancy nerd name for a TV screen. Yeeeeess!! That’s right! We wouldn’t sell you a machine that can do all this fancy hi-tech computing without giving you a TV screen to watch while it does it! No sirree Bob! This monitor isn’t any old black and white monitor either! Nooooo! This monitor gives you full living color! With resolutions of 640×480 to 1280×1024! What’s that mean, you ask? Just more nerd lingo you don’t need to know! Lets just say, you could pick out the freckles on Oprah Winfrey’s face from across the room with this type of resolution! Of course, you would first have to get Oprah Winfrey’s face inside your “Perfect Computer” before you would be able to see her freckles! How do I accomplish that? You ask! No problemo! We are including at no extra charge, an 8×10 glossy of Oprah Winfrey’s face on a floppy disk! What’s a floppy disk? Nerd talk, nerd talk. Don’t worry about it! Just look for the three and a half inch flat square plastic thing that will come with your “Perfect Computer”, and stick it into the three and a half inch slot on the front of your new machine, click the hell out of the little square that comes up on your screen and Presto! There’s Oprah’s smiling face glaring back at you! See the freckles, next to her nose? Pretty impressive huh?
Deep voiced huckster: Incredible, you say! Where can I order? You ask? Not yet! There’s more!
Has-been actor: At some point in time, you’ll want to put your own information into this astonishing hi-tech piece of machinery you have so wisely purchased! For that purpose, and at no extra cost to you, we have included a keyboard, which, when connected to your computer, will allow you to type stuff on it and watch it go into your computer. How do you watch it? Look on your monitor, that’s how! Yeeeeeeess! Fascinating little machines, these computer’s!
Deep voiced huckster: Fabulous! You say. Astonishing! You mutter. Miraculous! You gasp. All true, yes! But wait! We’re not finished yet!
Has-been actor: As you become proficient with your computer, you’ll want a mouse, so you can click on different things and move stuff around with! No need to get nervous ladies, this isn’t a live mouse! Just more techie nerd talk is all! For that, we have included our own in house, designed and patented mouse! This beautifully designed mouse has been rat poisoned, professionally gutted and stuffed by the world renowned taxidermist, Mic Key. These mice are available in two models, furred or de-furred. Please state your preference when ordering.
Deep voiced huckster: Is this the deal you’ve been waiting for? You say you’re ready to max out your credit card to buy the “Perfect Computer”! Well, hold on to your easy chair, cause the best is yet to come!
Has-been actor: In this age of multimedia, what good is a computer without a CD-Rom Drive? Might as well be a doorstop or paperweight is what I think! So, we’ve included a built in 12 speed CD-Rom Drive for your multimedia pleasure! AT NO EXTRA COST! You’re not sure what a CD-Rom Drive does! Not to worry! Whenever you receive a little round plastic disk in the mail from an Online service or a magazine that looks like a tiny record album, just slip that thing in the tray on the front of your “Perfect Computer”, push the sucker in and click like hell with your deluxe Mic Key mouse, on anything that pops up on your screen! This will instantly make you, a bona fide, experienced multimedia CD-ROMer! See how easy this personal computing is! A real piece of cake!
Deep voiced huckster: No other place on earth will you find a bargain like this one! This is a limited time offer. So you must act fast! To order your personal computer with, monitor, keyboard, mouse and built in CD-Rom Drive. You MUST call NOW! The number to call is 1-800-COMPUTE. That’s 1-800-COMPUTE. Don’t delay, call NOW! 1-800-COMPUTE. Our operators are standing by! While you’re making that call, we have another surprise for you. Back to you, fast talking, overly excited, has-been actor!
Has-been actor: I can’t believe this! I have been authorized by the good folks at “Plug It In And Watch It Do It’s Thing”, to add yet more, to this already marvelous offer!Beside’s the computer, monitor, keyboard, mouse (Furred or de-furred) and built in CD-Rom Drive, you will also receive a software bundle, valued at $5,000.00! Whoa! Wait just a second here!
(At this point in the commercial, we hear the scratching noise of the mike being covered by the fast talking, overly excited, has-been actor’s hand. We can just barely hear the fast talking, overly excited, has-been actor’s voice say “What the hell is this? A typo, or some kind of scam? We don’t hear the answer the fast talking, overly excited, has-been actor gets, but he comes back on mike and continues.)
That’s correct! You heard me right! I said software valued at $5,000.00! If that’s not enough to get you all running to your phones with credit cards smoking, please listen closely! The first one hundred people who call will also receive a solid oak, computer desk and chair!
Deep voiced huckster: How about that folks! This has turned into the deal of the century! You cannot pass this up! Call the number flashing on your screen NOW! That’s right, I said NOW! NOT TOMORROW! NOT 5 MINUTES FROM NOW! GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF THAT EASY CHAIR AND CALL NOW!!! Operators are standing by!
1-800-COMPUTE (Flashing so fast on the screen no one can read it)
Has-been actor: If you don’t call now, tomorrow may be to late! We only have a limited supply of these.
Way to happy sounding female voiced announcer: We now return you to our early morning feature; “The African Queen”. Starring Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn.
( The flashing number fades off the screen and is replaced with a scene on the deck of the African Queen with Hepburn screaming orders at Bogey. This continues for about three minutes, then the screen fades again to a modern, brightly lit kitchen, with vegetables flying all over the place, and some Fast talking, overly excited, has-been actor’s voice is yelling something about a “Salad Shooter”. )No longer able to deal with this. We click the power button on the remote and shuffle off to bed, thinking, “I’ll just rent the video”.
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